You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't Stay Here

Hello beautiful people,

So you know how I was talking about how glorious the weather was the other day? I was able to sit outside and eat my lunch without looking like I just stepped out of the steam room. Well, that totally didn't happen today. I walked outside around noon after finishing up my classes and I swear my pit stains formed immediately. Let me tell you, the boys were running...away...from me. Ahaha! I have a feeling that you guys think I am over exaggerating. Just to show you how really real I am being, I chatted it up with James Spann...actually, I just took a screen shot of my weather report...BUT I AM ALMOST CERTAIN JAMES SPANN WAS THE ONE TO REPORT IT:

Instead of putting up the actual numbers, they should've just said:
"FEELS LIKE DEATH."

Obviously the sun ate his Wheaties this morning and was ready to perform is sun shining duties. But despite the sauna-like weather, there isn't a single cloud in the sky and I can feel the beautiful air of September flowing through my veins...much like the 16 cups of coffee I drank this morning. I can literally feel the blood being pumped through my body.

As you all probably know, the idea of being in a relationship and all the lovey-duvy stuff that goes along with that status is basically spreading around like a bad virus. And I'm just over here like:

Have you ever had to tell someone that you are no longer in a relationship and they look at you like you just told them that you have stage four cancer. "Ohh...in so sorry to hear that. What are you going to do...?" I literally looked at this person and said, "well first I'm going to get a smoothie and spend my Friday nights watching Gilmore Girls. Then I may go streaking or do something that could potentially scar me forever...like get a tattoo, OHH OHH OHH, or JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE." What she doesn't know is that THAT is actually on the list of "Things That Are Going To FREAKING Happen Before 2015 Ends." Yeah, as you can tell, it is super official. The skydiving thing...not the tattoo.

BUT I need someone to tell me what's so wrong with me riding solo? What is so wrong with me trying to be comfortable with myself, because if we sit here and think about it, a good percentage of my past relationships weren't really all that great...and if we are being really honest, they were even more of a nightmare than I have ever allowed myself to share with anyone. Okay...okay...since we are being honest, I totally stalked a good deal of my ex's the other night. You know, feeling sorry and sappy about life. It turns out I wasn't upset about any of those relationships ending...I was more upset with myself. A few...and I literally mean a few...were off doing cool things like exploring the world and getting super fit, and me? I'm still that chunky girl that I was five years ago. I almost had a moment of wanting to go all Demi Lovato and shave half of my head and dye the rest pink, but I decided that I still wanted to remain as the better half of those broken relationships. But have you ever wanted an ex to scope you out and be like, "man, I shouldn't have treated that like crap." Because I'm honestly afraid that none of those guys even acknowledge that they were able to experience the wonderful and rare opportunity of calling me their boo thang. But it made me realize that me in a relationship is so much more frightening than me being single.

At this beautiful moment in my life, I don't have a bunch of incredibly awesome people knocking on my door, asking for me to skip through a field of sunflowers with them. Actually, lets go through this array of lovers together, shall we? At one of my jobs, I have this fella who loves to send me messages about wanting to see my bra, and/or, what's under it. My feelings:

I truly believe that Khloe is my long, lost sister.
We probably need to reunite.

WAIT, IT GETS BETTER, GUYS! This guy is married, a father of three, and has another baby on the way! The best part is..he is usually drunk when he sends these messages and apparently doesn't even remember when we see each other the following day. He had the audacity to ask me one day, "what would you say if I told you I thought you were attractive." Oh, and the best one ever, "What would you do if I wasn't married?" Probably still not date you, you fool 

I have another man who enjoys sending me similar messages. Yup, he also has children and a wife that I know VERY well. These messages started off being super supportive and cheerleader-like. That turned south very quickly. He started talking about my body and all kinds of other things that make me want to throw up my spaghetti-o's right now.

And finally, I have this fabulous guy who lives two lickity-splits away from me, who waits outside, with his joint in hand...even at 8 in the morning. He waits for me to walk out to my car. He started off being extremely friendly. I was obviously excited because I love having friends. That didn't last long. He started jumping over his balcony railing just to talk to me. I was like, "slow down, skipper." And when he started trying to get my phone number (which I lied and said I dropped it in the pool...I know, I know...but I started having a really bad feeling about this one). He then began to try to force me to go out to "Wine Wednesday's" with him, and to go out and hang with him...and began wrapping his arms around me and directing me towards his vehicle. I looked at him and said, "Look, hombre. I am literally in my pajamas right now...don't you see the Olaf shorts? Plus I am a grandma and I don't do all the going out on Wednesdays with people I don't even know. Thanks for the offer, but my bed and my dignity are far more important to me." Well, I started parking on the other side of the building just so I could avoid him. A few days ago I saw him getting out of his vehicle with his live-in girlfriend AND CHILD. I decided that it was about time for me to charge my taser and keep it in my purse. 

I don't know if you guys are seeing the trend, but holy toledo, IF YOU HAVE A CHILD AND/OR A WEDDING BAND I NEED YOU TO REALIZE THIS REALLY QUICK AND IN A HURRY:

In the wise words of Taylor Swift:
IF YOU'RE COMING MY WAY - JUST DON'T.

It's quite unfortunate because I have never felt so completely embarrassed and uncomfortable about being me until a month ago. I've sat up most nights trying to understand what it is about me that attracts married guys, thugs, and basically all the guys that you would find on peopleofwalmart.com. I know...the Beyonce booty that I am rocking  doesn't help the situation, but I don't wear trashy clothing with ratchet logos or holes in areas where there shouldn't be holes. And I cross my legs, well, most of the time. SO WHAT IS THE DEAL?

Most of my teachers this last and final semester, AHHH-LAST AND FINAL SEMESTER, are such artistic, honest souls. I love it because I can actually be honest and open with them. That may have to do with the fact that they are all 8 AM classes and I have to drink gallons of coffee just to mentally be there...but either way, the honesty is always FLOWING. But my first teacher on Tuesdays and Thursdays is an incredible human. His name is Nathan Parker and he totally speaks to my soul and makes me realize that it is okay, actually REQUIRED, to be myself. YES, I think I am a little bit crushing on him. Wait, am I allowed to say that? Whatever, he is married, and I am not one of those girls from those Lifetime movies that try to get with their teachers - NO, I just love his personality. Since we are on the subject, his looks totally remind me of the lead singer in that nineties band...OH, SEMISONIC. If you are singing, "I know who I want to take me home...take me hooooome," then we can be best friends. But here is a visual of the lead singer:

Total heart throb, right?...

AND this is a link to his UA profile with his ACTUAL face - please go compare the two pictures and tell me that I am wrong http://english.ua.edu/user/103...wait, maybe he was the dude from Semisonic...?

But he started off the day by asking us where we are most comfortable and able to express our true selves. People answered in ways like the baseball field, or the basketball court...blah, athletic people. BUT one guy started telling us about the karaoke bar. I got excited with him and made a note that he and I should be become best friends later, but honestly, he gave me confidence. I am not one to tell a class full of strangers some of my innermost secrets, but I think the sugar from the coffee and the story about that guy getting on stage singing "Toxic" by Britney Spears suddenly made me feel strong...and I felt my arm doing this strange, rare motion. I realized I was quietly raising my hand. And before my head could talk my hand out of it, Nathan called on me.

I began telling the class that I feel most comfortable in my car. "That may be because that's when I am able to be honest with myself...maybe because no one is watching?...but I turn on my music and jam out. Sometimes its country, but almost always it's Taylor Swift. And lately, I have been really into rapping the Kendrick Lamar version of 'Bad Blood.' I'm gonna be honest, guys...I am pretty incredible. But I like to video myself and send it to all of my friends, you know, to make their days better. But I always end up missing when the light turns green, in return making everyone else mad. But I have so much fun. I have my own little concert...and no one judging me, well, except the people behind me that are upset." He started laughing. I really think my teacher finds me to be hilarious. He then said, "well, I will be sending out a variety of emails this semester...maybe you can respond with some of your videos and share them with the class." So...I drank four more cups of coffee...and then I totally did it:

My video has led to a number of responses from Nathan:

And a few days later:

I have no words...except that he is BEYOND INCREDIBLE.
Yup, I am crushing.

But my story apparently reminded him of a time when he found the courage to sing. He once decided to get on stage and sing a song for his wife..."Yellow" by Coldplay. I don't know if any of you guys have heard that song before, but oh my stars, it is absolutely beautiful. If you haven't, give it a quick go...but brace yourselves - the amount of beauty in this song is almost heartbreaking. https://youtu.be/yKNxeF4KMsY 

I am currently listening to it while I write this for you. Nearly in tears from its beauty...and yes, I am in class with watery eyes. People are staring, but I am just acting like I have to sneeze.... But he said he got on stage and started singing this song, which is exceptionally high-pitched...and he said it was an absolute catastrophe. But you could tell that he would do it again for her. I think he almost gave us a preview...but he realized time was up. Guys, that's the kind of love we should all be searching for. The one where the other individual goes out of their way and out of their comfort zone to express their love. Where they do things they wouldn't ever have imagined doing before they met you, such as go skydiving OR stand outside of your window with a boombox on his head to let you know how much he truly cares:

I am right here waiting, John Cusack. Right. Here. Waiting.

 Love is extraordinary...don't let someone treat you like you are ordinary.

The issue is...we all have to start seeing ourselves as something more than ordinary. I have a lot of self image issues, ones that leave me feeling like I don't deserve someone great. And guess what? Every redneck found on peopleofwalmart.com somehow know that and have decided to reach out to me. Instead of feeling sad or worthless, I need to realize that I have to increase my standards. I have to find someone who will look at me like I am a princess. Someone who will remember me every single day of the week. Someone who wants to be there for me throughout everything, even if it is something small like a silly induction into a society for campus...or something huge like my day of birth...OR OUR WEDDING DAY. If they miss that then we have bigger issues. But I need someone who is independent. Someone who makes me a better me...and someone who loves me for being me. And I refuse to settle for less...and I refuse to be seen as less.

I've just spent too many nights crying in my tub, wondering why I am so easily forgotten. What makes it so easy for people to remember others, especially females, over me. I can't keep putting myself through such a treacherous act...and I can't keep placing people first who put me last.

I found myself getting use to seeing the people I was dating be someone else's knight in shining armour...by saving them from the terrors of the night, or rescuing them from every situation...while I was there waiting in the rain. I started thinking that maybe I wasn't supposed to live a fairytale. Maybe I didn't deserve that.

There really is a Taylor Swift song for everything...

But then I remembered...I AM A FREAKING PRINCESS. I AM ALREADY LIVING A FAIRYTALE!

I totally gave Disney the rights to use my life as a movie.

So here I am, on my new journey trying to understand what it feels like to be first...even if it's only me placing myself there.

This is my way of saying that you get what you see. I'm no delicate flower dancing around in the sunshine. I have rough edges and dark moments that I have to overcome, but I'm still just a human. Just because I'm probably going to say, "no thanks, I can carry it" doesn't mean you have to stop asking to help me...it just means your probably gonna have to snatch the things from me if you really want it - I was raised on a farm...I was carrying 50 pound feed bags across the field at age 12. But it also means that I am proud of being me. I am proud of being the girl who can take care of herself - except when it comes to technology. But I also love someone sticking out a hand and lifting me up sometimes, because although I act strong, most of that strength is just a coverup. I am just so tired of settling for less than I deserve...and I finally realize I do deserve something and someone who sees me as someone who is incredible. Someone who can take on the world with no sweat, tears or blood shed...and someone who sees me as a princess.

Don’t get me wrong, I still get emotional and upset that my previous relationships didn’t work. It still shatters my soul in the middle of the night…feeling more or less like a knife being pushed into my heart and turned sideways - sorry for the visual, I’ve been reading The Old Man and The Sea. But with that being said, it hurts my heart more to be somewhere and not noticed. To never be seen…or heard…or felt…or the most important thing of all….never be remembered.

You guys are all worth being remembered and heard. Your words are important. As Demi Lovato stated a few years back, “Never be ashamed of what you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you happy.” If you allow someone to silence your voice, then you are allowing them to silence your life and your happiness.  People are going to do their best every single day to steal YOUR sunshine and to steal what makes you the best version of you. You may be like me, slow in realizing when that happens because you like to believe that everyone is made of sugar and dandelions with a cherry on the top. I still want us to be able to believe all people are good, but they don’t ALL want what is best for us. Only you can decide if someone is being helpful or hurtful towards your happiness, because those that treat you like anything less, well, then they deserve to be in your past and to stay there. They don't have to go home, but they can't.stay.here. Plus we don't want to have to sick Taylor on them:

I hope you all have a beautiful Tuesday and are enjoying the September sunshine! There will be more come...possibly including my wonderful teacher ;)...so don't miss out. 

Love always,

Haley

"Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

Closing Time - Semisonic