When Leaves Fall, Music Speaks

So lately I have been incredibly obsessed with music and finding beautiful tunes. 


I have been looking for songs that make me embrace my love for the falling leaves of autumn and the crisp air of fall. This time of the year makes me shed a few tears - I mean, how could you not? The leaves are so beautiful and colorful and make me think about love and happiness and beauty....ahhhh, I could keep going, but I have been told that I tend to ramble. ANYWAYS, while this time of the year makes me emotional, it also makes me feel so alive. So I have been on the prowl to find songs that make me feel that same way.

I decided to be an incredible friend and share these beautiful tunes with you all. I will warn you, most of these tunes are not incredibly new, but they are all incredibly incredible. Being the wonderful human that I am, I also made a playlist. SO, get outside, sit in a pile of leaves, and press play. Ready?

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLM3QaxuTdOf6068NflEf5VoBWZ9TLZf21

Into Your Arms (acoustic)|The Maine 
Give Me Love | Ed Sheeran
Welcome Home | Radical Face
Cecilia and the Satellite | Andrew McMahon In the Wilderness
Life in Technicolor II | Coldplay
Featherstone | The Paper Kites
Stitches (acoustic) | Shawn Mendes and Hailee Seinfeld  
The Girl | City and Colour
World Spins Madly On | The Weepies
Rivers and Roads | The Head and the Heart
Bloom | The Paper Kites
Tenerife Sea | Ed Sheeran
Home | Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Yellow | Coldplay


I hope this short post finds you all well and ready for Thanksgiving Break! I am thankful for all you beautiful souls and your lovely smiles.
With all the love in my heart,
Haley

Gonna Love Myself, I Don't Need Anybody Else

Hello lovelies,

So today I made the mistake of posting something incredible on Facebook. I know, I know, GAH, I gotta stop being so fantastic. Well, most didn't understand what I was trying to say while others felt like they needed to kill my happiness by sending me negative messages. I am not gonna lie, I was super bitter. Bitter enough to where I decided to delete the whole shebang! But then I remembered, "Most of the people that read my blog are pretty intelligent," (obviously since you guys are smart enough to come here.) "So why don't I just share this level of incredible-ness with them?" Plus, I probably didn't make my point clear enough, and you guys, it's so important. So here's to hoping I inspire you all.

Well, I used to think I was extremely strong, physically and mentally. My friends always got me to carry their heavy bags, help tear down old playhouses, open the pickle jars - YOU NAME IT, I could do it! As you all know, I graduate in December. Ever since starting college, I have had this goal of wanting to lose a certain amount of weight before walking across the stage and starting that new part of my life. I can't speak for everyone, but college hasn't exactly helped me lose the weight...at least not the way I do it (thanks to  chick-fil-a and late night studying with coffee and sour gummy worms). But this goal has been sitting at the top of my list, right above catching a t-shirt at the football games, just staring at me, waiting for me to take action. So, at the beginning of this beautiful month, I decided to start CrossFit at Crossfit RTR in Tuscaloosa. And at that same moment, I realized that I definitely wasn't as strong as I thought I was.

I'm sure you all have seen my awesome pictures trying to flex my noodle arms. No? Well let me introduce them to you...they always make me giggle.

This was after my very first day of fundamentals.
Obviously I thought the first day made a significant impact on my arms.

This is a pretty accurate depiction of how I feel after we finish.

STILL LIVID ABOUT HOW PERFECT MEGANS ARMS LOOK.
But look a my cute little noodles. :)

YES, NOODLES, YES!

 Ohh, I forgot to give you all al little more information as to why I wanted to do this. I know, I know, the noodle arms got you all excited, but bare with me. I have always been that girl that read through magazines, tearing out photos of girls who I thought were beautiful. They had perfect, tan skin, flawless...oh, and they looked like they hadn't eaten since 1986. They were all so tiny and I have never ever ever been tiny. But I took those magazine photos so seriously...to the point where I taped them to my bathroom wall so I could look at them everyday and feel crappy about my life and body. Well I have been working so much on my self esteem and wanting to look in the mirror and see all the wonderful things that God created instead of bashing his masterpiece. This semester I have been working a lot with this program called Photoshop..I'm sure you've heard of it. Yeah, the one that can turn a ratchet photo into something that would make Kate Upton jealous. I kept seeing how much I could change photos and being the female that I am, I wanted to see what I could do to myself. DON'T JUDGE ME. YOU ALL WOULD DO THE EXACT SAME THING.

After playing with it for a little while, I realized how much I could do. I was able to make my skin the color of Kim Kardashian's, my teeth as white as the Crest commercials, and my body, well, I realized how similar it looked to those women in the magazines because for so long, they were my definition of beautiful. I wanted to look as beautiful as they did. Suddenly I realized that all those girls in the magazines that I kept comparing myself to, well, they weren't real. I was so infuriated for feeling so worthless and insignificant for so long because I was never a size two. Being the little sharer that I am, I wanted the whole world to realize this too, because I know I am not the only person battling body issues. And before you guys see this photo, I want you to know that THIS IS THE ONE THAT IS PHOTOSHOPPED, so NO I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THIS IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR DADGUM FORM:

LOOK AT FAKE ME KILLING IT! And yes, I bronzed my skin up a little. Go big or go home, right? Well, like I said earlier, I posted it on Facebook, but I put both photos up, much like a before and after type deal. Here is the exact photo I posted:

I wanted it to be known that it wasn't real, I mean MY BED IS THE SAME TYPE OF MESSY IN BOTH PHOTOS. But I had a few sweethearts send me some messages about it. I won't call them out, I mean maybe I will, but one guy had the nerve to tell me that he needed to buy my some blow up arms because my arms looked super weak. I never thought I'd say this, but Simon Cowell perfectly depicts the face that I had when reading this little nugget of wisdom this guy felt like sharing:

I kindly gave him a little piece of my mind and THEN he tried to hit on me, so obviously he has no idea how to chat to women...poor thing, he will forever be single. But the next girl, ahahahahaha, well, she started off being very kind. Saying how incredible my body looked. I responded with a thank you, but I had a gut feeling that she was looking at the wrong version of my gut. I added that the first photo was photoshopped. There was a little pause and then she said, "Oh, I just realized that that was the one you photoshopped......well, good luck anyways." Again, SIMON'S FACE MADE AN APPEARANCE.

I started feeling so crappy about my body because of these idiots. But I wanted it gone. I wanted to take it all back because I put myself out there and I ended up being shunned for it. I started this day off feeling proud. I have been praying and writing down Bible verses on feeling happy and loving the body God provided me with, and guess what? I actually woke up this morning loving it. I got up dancing around in the bathroom, not clinching on to the love handles that drape over my Olaf pajama bottoms. I was smiling at myself! But after the comments, that smile was gone. I ended up deleting the photo and almost crying for posting it. All I want to do is love my body. I know that it's not perfect. I have cellulite in places that I shouldn't at the age of 22. I have arms that jiggle when I wave, and an extra chin when I laugh, and most days, that's all I can see when I look at myself. I have a friend that I recently made but now I can't imagine him not ever being in my life. Well, I was bashing myself because of something that was said to me earlier and I let it get in my head. I ended up letting it hurt me so much that I compared myself to a placeholder. He said, "I wonder if you'd even be able to realize if someone saw you as more than that." So beautiful that I needed to bold it. His words cut me like a knife, but in a good way, which being cut by a knife probably can't really be put in a good scenario, but at this moment, it was. He doesn't know this, but I cried. I realized that all the bashing that I did to myself has become so natural...so natural that I can't see myself as being anything more, but I am.


I don't want to be some picture perfect girl in a magazine. If I look like all of them, how will I ever be able to stand out? I am more than just a girl on a page.

I am real and want to be seen as being real. I have curves that aren't shiny and smooth like Kim Kardashians. My curves plump out in areas that would be photoshopped if they were ever featured in a magazine. I have stretch marks...and if I ever told you that I had them because I grew tall too quickly, well, I lied. It's because chocolate is the greatest thing that ever happened in my life and I will not ever tell it goodbye. I have wrinkles that even the Sephora lady can't get rid of. My teeth are crooked and far from being white. My idea of going natural LEGIT means I AM NOT GONNA WEAR ANY DADGUM MAKEUP...which almost always results in someone asking me if I am sick or ill or have cancer. My thighs rub...and they do that so well that almost all of my pants have holes in the crotch area. But I am so sick of shaming myself because of those things. I want to love it all because this is the girl that God created. This is who he wants me to be. And I chose to do Crossfit because they don't want to change that girl...they want to make her stronger and more confident.

So, thank you for those trying to message me about getting on a meal plan and or trying to tell me what else I need to change to be prettier. You helped me realize that I don't want or need any of those things. I'm not perfect, but I am amazing. And I will remind myself that everyday so that it will finally sink in and hopefully all of my friends who are suffering the same problem will see whats its like to love themselves. I want you all to know that you are beautiful. It doesn't matter if you are a size 2 or 22, 97 pounds or 368 pounds, God created YOU so you are the definition of beautiful. No one, and I mean no one, can deem you otherwise.

 So, for those wondering, here are the real, UNEDITED, bathroom selfies:

EAT YOUR HEARTS OUT, FRIENDS! 

So I have a little homework/project for you. I need you to turn on "Love Myself" by Hailee Steinfeld and TRY not to dance and feel amazing!

I love you all FOREVER AND ALWAYS!

-Haley

"I'll take it nice and slow
Feeling good on my own without you, yeah
Got me speaking in tongues
The beautiful, it comes without you, yeah

I'm gonna put my body first
And love me so hard 'til it hurts
I know how to scream out the words
Scream the words

Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else."

Love Myself - Hailee Steinfeld

You Don't Have To Go Home But You Can't Stay Here

Hello beautiful people,

So you know how I was talking about how glorious the weather was the other day? I was able to sit outside and eat my lunch without looking like I just stepped out of the steam room. Well, that totally didn't happen today. I walked outside around noon after finishing up my classes and I swear my pit stains formed immediately. Let me tell you, the boys were running...away...from me. Ahaha! I have a feeling that you guys think I am over exaggerating. Just to show you how really real I am being, I chatted it up with James Spann...actually, I just took a screen shot of my weather report...BUT I AM ALMOST CERTAIN JAMES SPANN WAS THE ONE TO REPORT IT:

Instead of putting up the actual numbers, they should've just said:
"FEELS LIKE DEATH."

Obviously the sun ate his Wheaties this morning and was ready to perform is sun shining duties. But despite the sauna-like weather, there isn't a single cloud in the sky and I can feel the beautiful air of September flowing through my veins...much like the 16 cups of coffee I drank this morning. I can literally feel the blood being pumped through my body.

As you all probably know, the idea of being in a relationship and all the lovey-duvy stuff that goes along with that status is basically spreading around like a bad virus. And I'm just over here like:

Have you ever had to tell someone that you are no longer in a relationship and they look at you like you just told them that you have stage four cancer. "Ohh...in so sorry to hear that. What are you going to do...?" I literally looked at this person and said, "well first I'm going to get a smoothie and spend my Friday nights watching Gilmore Girls. Then I may go streaking or do something that could potentially scar me forever...like get a tattoo, OHH OHH OHH, or JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE." What she doesn't know is that THAT is actually on the list of "Things That Are Going To FREAKING Happen Before 2015 Ends." Yeah, as you can tell, it is super official. The skydiving thing...not the tattoo.

BUT I need someone to tell me what's so wrong with me riding solo? What is so wrong with me trying to be comfortable with myself, because if we sit here and think about it, a good percentage of my past relationships weren't really all that great...and if we are being really honest, they were even more of a nightmare than I have ever allowed myself to share with anyone. Okay...okay...since we are being honest, I totally stalked a good deal of my ex's the other night. You know, feeling sorry and sappy about life. It turns out I wasn't upset about any of those relationships ending...I was more upset with myself. A few...and I literally mean a few...were off doing cool things like exploring the world and getting super fit, and me? I'm still that chunky girl that I was five years ago. I almost had a moment of wanting to go all Demi Lovato and shave half of my head and dye the rest pink, but I decided that I still wanted to remain as the better half of those broken relationships. But have you ever wanted an ex to scope you out and be like, "man, I shouldn't have treated that like crap." Because I'm honestly afraid that none of those guys even acknowledge that they were able to experience the wonderful and rare opportunity of calling me their boo thang. But it made me realize that me in a relationship is so much more frightening than me being single.

At this beautiful moment in my life, I don't have a bunch of incredibly awesome people knocking on my door, asking for me to skip through a field of sunflowers with them. Actually, lets go through this array of lovers together, shall we? At one of my jobs, I have this fella who loves to send me messages about wanting to see my bra, and/or, what's under it. My feelings:

I truly believe that Khloe is my long, lost sister.
We probably need to reunite.

WAIT, IT GETS BETTER, GUYS! This guy is married, a father of three, and has another baby on the way! The best part is..he is usually drunk when he sends these messages and apparently doesn't even remember when we see each other the following day. He had the audacity to ask me one day, "what would you say if I told you I thought you were attractive." Oh, and the best one ever, "What would you do if I wasn't married?" Probably still not date you, you fool 

I have another man who enjoys sending me similar messages. Yup, he also has children and a wife that I know VERY well. These messages started off being super supportive and cheerleader-like. That turned south very quickly. He started talking about my body and all kinds of other things that make me want to throw up my spaghetti-o's right now.

And finally, I have this fabulous guy who lives two lickity-splits away from me, who waits outside, with his joint in hand...even at 8 in the morning. He waits for me to walk out to my car. He started off being extremely friendly. I was obviously excited because I love having friends. That didn't last long. He started jumping over his balcony railing just to talk to me. I was like, "slow down, skipper." And when he started trying to get my phone number (which I lied and said I dropped it in the pool...I know, I know...but I started having a really bad feeling about this one). He then began to try to force me to go out to "Wine Wednesday's" with him, and to go out and hang with him...and began wrapping his arms around me and directing me towards his vehicle. I looked at him and said, "Look, hombre. I am literally in my pajamas right now...don't you see the Olaf shorts? Plus I am a grandma and I don't do all the going out on Wednesdays with people I don't even know. Thanks for the offer, but my bed and my dignity are far more important to me." Well, I started parking on the other side of the building just so I could avoid him. A few days ago I saw him getting out of his vehicle with his live-in girlfriend AND CHILD. I decided that it was about time for me to charge my taser and keep it in my purse. 

I don't know if you guys are seeing the trend, but holy toledo, IF YOU HAVE A CHILD AND/OR A WEDDING BAND I NEED YOU TO REALIZE THIS REALLY QUICK AND IN A HURRY:

In the wise words of Taylor Swift:
IF YOU'RE COMING MY WAY - JUST DON'T.

It's quite unfortunate because I have never felt so completely embarrassed and uncomfortable about being me until a month ago. I've sat up most nights trying to understand what it is about me that attracts married guys, thugs, and basically all the guys that you would find on peopleofwalmart.com. I know...the Beyonce booty that I am rocking  doesn't help the situation, but I don't wear trashy clothing with ratchet logos or holes in areas where there shouldn't be holes. And I cross my legs, well, most of the time. SO WHAT IS THE DEAL?

Most of my teachers this last and final semester, AHHH-LAST AND FINAL SEMESTER, are such artistic, honest souls. I love it because I can actually be honest and open with them. That may have to do with the fact that they are all 8 AM classes and I have to drink gallons of coffee just to mentally be there...but either way, the honesty is always FLOWING. But my first teacher on Tuesdays and Thursdays is an incredible human. His name is Nathan Parker and he totally speaks to my soul and makes me realize that it is okay, actually REQUIRED, to be myself. YES, I think I am a little bit crushing on him. Wait, am I allowed to say that? Whatever, he is married, and I am not one of those girls from those Lifetime movies that try to get with their teachers - NO, I just love his personality. Since we are on the subject, his looks totally remind me of the lead singer in that nineties band...OH, SEMISONIC. If you are singing, "I know who I want to take me home...take me hooooome," then we can be best friends. But here is a visual of the lead singer:

Total heart throb, right?...

AND this is a link to his UA profile with his ACTUAL face - please go compare the two pictures and tell me that I am wrong http://english.ua.edu/user/103...wait, maybe he was the dude from Semisonic...?

But he started off the day by asking us where we are most comfortable and able to express our true selves. People answered in ways like the baseball field, or the basketball court...blah, athletic people. BUT one guy started telling us about the karaoke bar. I got excited with him and made a note that he and I should be become best friends later, but honestly, he gave me confidence. I am not one to tell a class full of strangers some of my innermost secrets, but I think the sugar from the coffee and the story about that guy getting on stage singing "Toxic" by Britney Spears suddenly made me feel strong...and I felt my arm doing this strange, rare motion. I realized I was quietly raising my hand. And before my head could talk my hand out of it, Nathan called on me.

I began telling the class that I feel most comfortable in my car. "That may be because that's when I am able to be honest with myself...maybe because no one is watching?...but I turn on my music and jam out. Sometimes its country, but almost always it's Taylor Swift. And lately, I have been really into rapping the Kendrick Lamar version of 'Bad Blood.' I'm gonna be honest, guys...I am pretty incredible. But I like to video myself and send it to all of my friends, you know, to make their days better. But I always end up missing when the light turns green, in return making everyone else mad. But I have so much fun. I have my own little concert...and no one judging me, well, except the people behind me that are upset." He started laughing. I really think my teacher finds me to be hilarious. He then said, "well, I will be sending out a variety of emails this semester...maybe you can respond with some of your videos and share them with the class." So...I drank four more cups of coffee...and then I totally did it:

My video has led to a number of responses from Nathan:

And a few days later:

I have no words...except that he is BEYOND INCREDIBLE.
Yup, I am crushing.

But my story apparently reminded him of a time when he found the courage to sing. He once decided to get on stage and sing a song for his wife..."Yellow" by Coldplay. I don't know if any of you guys have heard that song before, but oh my stars, it is absolutely beautiful. If you haven't, give it a quick go...but brace yourselves - the amount of beauty in this song is almost heartbreaking. https://youtu.be/yKNxeF4KMsY 

I am currently listening to it while I write this for you. Nearly in tears from its beauty...and yes, I am in class with watery eyes. People are staring, but I am just acting like I have to sneeze.... But he said he got on stage and started singing this song, which is exceptionally high-pitched...and he said it was an absolute catastrophe. But you could tell that he would do it again for her. I think he almost gave us a preview...but he realized time was up. Guys, that's the kind of love we should all be searching for. The one where the other individual goes out of their way and out of their comfort zone to express their love. Where they do things they wouldn't ever have imagined doing before they met you, such as go skydiving OR stand outside of your window with a boombox on his head to let you know how much he truly cares:

I am right here waiting, John Cusack. Right. Here. Waiting.

 Love is extraordinary...don't let someone treat you like you are ordinary.

The issue is...we all have to start seeing ourselves as something more than ordinary. I have a lot of self image issues, ones that leave me feeling like I don't deserve someone great. And guess what? Every redneck found on peopleofwalmart.com somehow know that and have decided to reach out to me. Instead of feeling sad or worthless, I need to realize that I have to increase my standards. I have to find someone who will look at me like I am a princess. Someone who will remember me every single day of the week. Someone who wants to be there for me throughout everything, even if it is something small like a silly induction into a society for campus...or something huge like my day of birth...OR OUR WEDDING DAY. If they miss that then we have bigger issues. But I need someone who is independent. Someone who makes me a better me...and someone who loves me for being me. And I refuse to settle for less...and I refuse to be seen as less.

I've just spent too many nights crying in my tub, wondering why I am so easily forgotten. What makes it so easy for people to remember others, especially females, over me. I can't keep putting myself through such a treacherous act...and I can't keep placing people first who put me last.

I found myself getting use to seeing the people I was dating be someone else's knight in shining armour...by saving them from the terrors of the night, or rescuing them from every situation...while I was there waiting in the rain. I started thinking that maybe I wasn't supposed to live a fairytale. Maybe I didn't deserve that.

There really is a Taylor Swift song for everything...

But then I remembered...I AM A FREAKING PRINCESS. I AM ALREADY LIVING A FAIRYTALE!

I totally gave Disney the rights to use my life as a movie.

So here I am, on my new journey trying to understand what it feels like to be first...even if it's only me placing myself there.

This is my way of saying that you get what you see. I'm no delicate flower dancing around in the sunshine. I have rough edges and dark moments that I have to overcome, but I'm still just a human. Just because I'm probably going to say, "no thanks, I can carry it" doesn't mean you have to stop asking to help me...it just means your probably gonna have to snatch the things from me if you really want it - I was raised on a farm...I was carrying 50 pound feed bags across the field at age 12. But it also means that I am proud of being me. I am proud of being the girl who can take care of herself - except when it comes to technology. But I also love someone sticking out a hand and lifting me up sometimes, because although I act strong, most of that strength is just a coverup. I am just so tired of settling for less than I deserve...and I finally realize I do deserve something and someone who sees me as someone who is incredible. Someone who can take on the world with no sweat, tears or blood shed...and someone who sees me as a princess.

Don’t get me wrong, I still get emotional and upset that my previous relationships didn’t work. It still shatters my soul in the middle of the night…feeling more or less like a knife being pushed into my heart and turned sideways - sorry for the visual, I’ve been reading The Old Man and The Sea. But with that being said, it hurts my heart more to be somewhere and not noticed. To never be seen…or heard…or felt…or the most important thing of all….never be remembered.

You guys are all worth being remembered and heard. Your words are important. As Demi Lovato stated a few years back, “Never be ashamed of what you feel. You have the right to feel any emotion that you want, and to do what makes you happy.” If you allow someone to silence your voice, then you are allowing them to silence your life and your happiness.  People are going to do their best every single day to steal YOUR sunshine and to steal what makes you the best version of you. You may be like me, slow in realizing when that happens because you like to believe that everyone is made of sugar and dandelions with a cherry on the top. I still want us to be able to believe all people are good, but they don’t ALL want what is best for us. Only you can decide if someone is being helpful or hurtful towards your happiness, because those that treat you like anything less, well, then they deserve to be in your past and to stay there. They don't have to go home, but they can't.stay.here. Plus we don't want to have to sick Taylor on them:

I hope you all have a beautiful Tuesday and are enjoying the September sunshine! There will be more come...possibly including my wonderful teacher ;)...so don't miss out. 

Love always,

Haley

"Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

Closing Time - Semisonic

Say You'll Remember Me

Hello beautiful people,

I don't know about you guys, but I woke up this morning, after yelling at my alarm clock and tripping over my dirty clothes trying to get to the bathroom, feeling inspired and surprisingly pretty happy. I feel like it has to do with the month of September. You may not know this about me, BUT I LOVE SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER! It feels like love...even if you're...not...in...love, which as many of you may know is my current situation. Being a woman, this current status is supposed to be pretty horrific for us...and most people don't handle it well, or they decide to get into another relationship a few weeks, or even days, later. It's so crazy to watch people these days or even get on blasted Facebook. I am probably not supposed to acknowledge this, BUT EVERYONE IS GETTING FREAKING MARRIED OR HAVING A BABY OR BUYING A REALLY BEAUTIFUL DREAM HOME. And I am sitting by myself at a table fit for four, eating a salad and listening to my incredible array of songs. The best part of all.....I am happy and smiling, even though my mouth is fruit punch stained and looking a little vampire-y.

As a good many of you may know, I don't usually announce my happiness levels often due to the fact that they are typically pretty low. There have been a lot of changes in my life, which is something that many of you can potentially relate to. But I was talking to a friend last night, a friend whose father just passed away, so if you have a spare moment, please say a prayer for him:

This Millard "Milly" McWhorter, my friends.

He is one of the smartest, most incredible people I have ever met. Let me give you a general overview of our relationship: We have enraged people by hanging out due to our race,
danced ridiculously at Sub-deb, making the people even more infuriated and almost getting kicked out. We almost died on the way home from the Homecoming Dance, but he always knew how to inspire me. Reminding me that my smile is the best way to show my strength. Last night, we were chatting and I was saying all the things that I personally had to slowly learn and needed to hear when I went through the same situation. And I slowly realized...all those things were still things that I battle with today. I still ignore them, which ultimately results in me ignoring myself.
On the first day of my class, a teacher of mine said, "I hope you all know that this is a women studies class," which I didn't, "and we will be learning all about writing. Writing doesn't come easy, and writing takes a great deal of strength and bravery." I remember cheering silently in my head as she said that, because she is so right. Every moment I press the little orange "Publish" button at the top right corner of this blogger screen, my heart stops. I worry that I will offend someone or that someone will judge me...or even more so that someone will delve more into my story and find out more about what I was referring to, AKA, they will finally discover my secrets. There are things that rush through our minds that we are always told to keep to ourselves. But I finally realize that those things are silencing us. They are silencing our voices...and our feelings...and our hearts. For the first time in forever, I am so tired of my voice being silenced. Thanks to the beautiful month of September for reminding me that my voice matters, I would like to dedicate this month specifically to my voice. I am going to spend this month enjoying the beautiful weather changing AND to saying all the things on my mind that scare me and all the stories in my heart that I have locked away. There is a pretty solid chance that I will make a few people upset...but there is also a chance that I will make you proud, and who knows...maybe I will end up inspiring you to do the same. Either way, I suggest you stick around, I may end up helping you and/or making a complete fool of myself...so it's a win-win for you.

Love always,
Haley


Oh, and I don't know about you guys, but I am totally in love with this video and the beautiful Scott Eastwood. Oh, but Taylor Swift looks fabulous, too. I think we should take a moment to give it the attention it deserves....

ANNNNNND BACK TO SCOTT...

Okay..okay...I am done. 

See you all soon.

"Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams."
Wildest Dreams - Taylor Swift

I'll Walk Through Fire To Save My Life

Hello lovelies,

How have you all been doing? It has been a hot minute since we all sat down and had a little pow-wow. Speaking of hot, I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED THAT THE SUMMER MONTHS ARE HERE! My skin just sizzles when I walk outside, and that is not because I am a vampire, even though I look and glisten like one. I don't know about you guys, but the summer months always allow me a little time to think. These days I work from 8 am until about 8 pm, so when I walk out of the REC Center, typically smelling like chlorine and urine, the beautiful sun is usually floating beside the tree line, waiting to guide me to my car before saying goodnight - yeah, we are pretty close like that. Well yesterday, the sun was hiding behind the clouds and creating this pink haze across the sky, which in return created this ambiance that forced me to think and evaluate my life:

 It didn't help that I had Taylor Swift playing a beautiful guitar through my headphones. It was like I was walking in a movie to a perfect soundtrack that went along with my life! Before I realized it, I was walking like this to my car:

You should've seen the looks I was getting...
And they weren't excited. More like worried.

But have you ever had one of those moments? Before I could stop it, my mind started thinking about everything and everyone in my life. It started off feeling like a pro-con list and ended up being more of a happiness enhancer type ordeal. Lets see if I can describe it. Have you ever had your makeup done by someone at Sephora or Ulta? They place a certain kind of makeup on one side of your face and a different kind on the other. Then the comparing begins. They place their hand in front of half of your face, let you explore the other half, then they switch it. I always always always end up feeling dizzy and completely confused...and makeup-less. This is what I was doing with things in my life - placing my hand in front of it seeing if I needed it...or if I really wanted it. I finally came to a conclusion: life is weird...and this weirdness, well, it's a dadgum problem - YES, I AM CALLING YOU OUT, LIFE! But the worst part about it all is the fear. Fear is icing on the cake of our weird life. I am fearful of getting that dang makeup because what if it doesn't look as good on me when I go out into the sunlight...or when I put it on myself? Like when we get our haircut. It looks delicious after the hairdresser touches it, but as soon as it gets washed, it looks like poop again:

And this is why I said BYE BYE BYE to bangs!
Two hours later: I would've missed class still doing this.

But this fear, it's like the boyfriend that tells you everything you want to hear just so that you will take the easy way out of everything...or so that you will feel like it is all your fault for feeling that way. Fear is a sneaky little heifer. It's the silent killer. It has the ability to blind us of our issues and our reality. Fear is the smooth part of a rollercoaster before you hit the big drop. We've all seen it in action: we watch the movies and see the young girl get slapped by the one she loves, and we scream at her when she keeps going back. And when I say scream, I sometimes get really aggressive and throw things at my TV hoping she will really feel it and dadgum wake up! But I actually remember something that I learned in class this year. It's a story by Raymond Carver called What We Talk About When We Talk About Love, here is the Shmoop version if you're like me and want a quick overview of it, http://www.shmoop.com/what-we-talk-about-when-we-talk-about-love/. Raymond states that people feel love differently. Some people have to be yelled at or hit to feel loved...and some people need to receive it through various gifts and ways...and others, they need to hear it and truly feel it. Love changes from person to person, which is why each new relationship you get in feels differently in its own way. No one sums that up better than Johanna Mason from Catching Fire:

Fear forces your mind and heart to believe that you deserve someone that forgets all important dates in your life, or someone that treats you like you don't matter unless they need you, you know, like you are a handkerchief or something. It wants you to believe you deserve someone who doesn't want to show off how proud they are to have you, because let's be honest, if you are sitting here reading this, you are incredible and deserved to be looked at that way. Fear makes you believe that being alone is this horrible thing, and if you're like me and you live in the south, most people are still under that impression. I swear if I get asked one more time if I am ever planning on settling down and getting married...uhh...CAN I PLEASE GRADUATE AND REMEMBER TO FEED MYSELF BEFORE I ADD ANOTHER SOUL INTO MY LIFE? Besides, I can't get married until my dog approves. 

Let us all take a moment and note how perfect and fluffy she is.

But I've always said, if he or she doesn't look at you the way you look at the waitress when she finally brings out your food that you ordered on a day when you are just so beyond hungry, well, that person needs to hit the road, jack. 

"Till death do we part, precious vanilla ice cream.
Till death do we part."

Oh, or if they don't look at you like all the princes look at princesses in Disney movies, yeah, they can get to stepping. Because if they aren't looking at you like this, then they probably wouldn't search a kingdom of to find the foot that went inside that slipper, and they definitely wouldn't climb your hair up a tower just to be with you. Or cut off your hair after being stabbed by a sharp slab of glass because they don't want you to be imprisoned by a hideous woman claiming to be your mother....awww...Flynn is perfection. He just really is.

Oh, LAST ONE, I SWEAR, but if they don't look at you the same way all the dadgum men look at the leading lady in each of Nicholas Sparks' freaking movies, then you need to cut the chord before ole Nicholas does it for you, because lets be honest, "Sparky" Nicholas over there LOOOOVES killing off the male lead:

I totally remember crying to this part in the theater while saying,
"Why is he getting all deep?! Channing, if you cry then I'LL cry."
I swear tears spread like a yawn, but yeah, I was asked to leave the theater.

Ryan Gosling literally would exchange his perfect bod for
feathers and a beak just. for. her.
Yeah, it is safe to say that Ryan has set the bar incredibly high.

Don't even get me started on Josh Duhmal...
I claimed him before Fergie.
She and her London Bridge can get on.

ACTUALLY, WHERE DID THIS HUNK OF PERFECTION COME FROM?..

Nevermind....I have no more questions...

Actually, real quick, if someone has a close relationship with Nicholas Sparks, it'd be great if you could forward this to him: Hey Nick, it has been really cool and fun crying to your movies over the years, actually, The Notebook was the first movie I ever cried to while watching, and I haven't stopped crying since. But I have a favor to ask of you, could you please give someone a happy ending, because if I see one more cute guy die, I will cry myself to sleep at night. YOU'RE TAKING ALL THE GOOD ONES THAT ACTUALLY DO SWEET THINGS, SUCH AS BUILD HOUSES AND FIGHT FOR LOVE, AWAY FROM US...AND I'M GONNA QUIT YELLING NOW BECAUSE I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO STAR IN YOUR NEXT MOVIE WITH GERARD BUTLER...AND WE HAVE TO LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Actually, that sounds more like a Disney movie...let me just forward this idea to them. Anyways, I got a little distracted and slightly aggressive, wshoo, I am good. But it's the same ole same ole, we settle for what we think we deserve, and usually it's far less than what we actually do. But in the wise words of the beautiful Zac Efron:

I need to watch this again.
Just looking at him makes me want to become an Astronaut...and really shoot for the moon.

We are all afraid to shoot for the moon, because what will happen to us if we don't make it? What will happen if everything we ever dreamed of doesn't work out? What if the one thing or person or place or any other nouns that we've always loved or wanted in return rejects us? Then what? Well, for those who have watched and spent their youth wanting to be Hillary Duff from the movie A Cinderella Story, and may or may not have made Sims characters, one being Chad Michael Murray and the other being yourself, so that they could recreate that beautiful movie and all the beautiful moments that happened in it since nothing as exciting has happened thus far in your lives...oh, whoops, there I went on a rant, ANYWAYS, you guys should be familiar with this quote:

YEAP - I went and took a picture of the EXACT SAME WALL they showed in the movie.
I know, I know, I must really love you guys.

The fear of not hitting a softball during my intramural times didn't keep me on the benches, no, the fact that I got extremely excited and tore my ACL did. BUT not only did I test my unathletic body, but I got a killer scar to go with it - it's actually a really great conversation starter. I like telling people different stories. My favorite is that I got in a fight with a member of the Mexican Cartel...then I like to add, "But you should see the other guy..." But these fears can keep us on a bench if we don't face them. For those of you who know me, you guys know that I'm not one to dance in public. As a matter of fact, I'm banned from dancing in public at most places because it's just not okay. It's frightening actually. And I also have some kind of weird fear of dancing in public. Well, I got weirdly excited and daring last week while I went to Mexico and I DANCED ON STAGE AND INFRONT OF A STAGE AND I RECREATED "HOLD ON" by WILSON PHILLIPS FROM BRIDESMAIDS WITH THIS RANDOM CRUISE GUIDE LADY BECAUSE I LOVE THAT SONG AND I AINT NEVER SCARED...annnnnnnd because those people didn't know me. I also went into the cloudy waters of Progreso, Mexico and had a mysterious object nibble on my fingers. Don't worry, I ran my white buttcheeks out of there right after that. BUT I am so sick and tired of being scared...but that's not me saying that I don't still have fears. Trust me, brothers and sisters, I have plenty. They can be small ones. For instance, I am completely terrified of finishing season 2 of Grey's Anatomy. I know that beautiful Denny is about to die and they are going to play "Chasing Cars" while Izzy lays atop his cold, dead body...and I cannot....I cannot do that to myself just yet. But your fears can also be pretty big.

I may be on the stage ready to work my Beyonce skills...
But as you can see, I chose to bring my buttcheeks to the back.
DON'T YOU WORRY - MEGAN STILL GOT PLENTY OF PICTURES!

My fears? My biggest fear was always losing my parents. I remember that was when my OCD began. When I was a little younger, I would stand by my parents bedroom door, just simply watching my dad breathe. Whenever I finally found out how sick he was, I was always so afraid that I wouldn't be there for him when he died. I was actually terrified of spending the night at my friends'  houses because I didn't want to be away in case something happened. During that last year, something was always happening. It was like I was living in a constant rush of ambulances and hospital rooms. At night I would count each of his breaths....then I'd let my mind tell me that that one could've been his last, so I would start counting again. and again. and again until it was almost time for me to get up for school. After my dad passed away, and watching him take his last breath, I felt like I had to continue the same routine with my mother. See, with us OCD folks, we are under the impression that if we don't do something, something bad will result from it. My mind kept telling me, "girlfriend, if you stop doing that now, you will lose her, too." So as my mom began sleeping on the same side that my dad once had, which was where the light shined perfectly from the hallway, I began my routine. But instead of standing by the door, I got really ballsy and walked next to her and would actually feel her breathing. Literally, I would place my hands above her face to feel her breathe out of her nose. She would often wake up....which would lead her to threatening my life...but hey, her threatening me meant she was alive. But I was afraid...I lived in fear. But I thought to myself, "You lose one parent...you can't lose another for at least another 10-ish years, right? Isn't that a deal somewhere?" Well...that's what I get for thinking. Just as soon as I shipped off to college and was unable to check to see if she was breathing, she stopped. But, somehow I survived that fear. The weirdest part was that it was almost like I couldn't comprehend what happened until later on down the road...until I was no longer allowed to step foot on my property, until I realized that I wasn't dreaming, and everything that had happened was real life.

After watching the way my mother fell apart after my dad passed away, I began to fear the idea of loving someone so deeply and then losing them. My mother became very open with me after going through such an event. It was like every feeling she ever had went from being muted to finally unsilenced, and with those unfiltered feelings busting out, many nights she would drink more than she needed. I only watched that type of thing happen in movies, and watching that situation come to life sent me in a panic. I think after I locked myself in the bathroom one starry night, crying and hollering at my mother, she finally realized that I wasn't fit for dealing with it. I actually broke one of my brothers' friends fingers when he was drunk at my house. I don't do well with people trying to sneak in my room. But I watched my mother fall apart and build herself back up again. That same feeling came back up like burning vomit when my brother called me to tell me he and his fiancé were no longer together. He opened up to me for the first time in our entire lives...oh, and even more, he actually called me. When I saw his name light up across my phone, my heart dropped instantly.

Nowadays I am afraid of dying without living, without loving, without speaking my heart, without writing what I feel, without finding a place that feels like home, without fighting for myself.

Dying without feeling free...
So I decided to climb to the top of a Mayan pyramid type thing.
Don't worry, I didn't free fall off or anything.

All those fears, well, they suck. They keep us down, drowning us really. I'm not saying that going after your dreams will always end happily. Trust me, I've spent many nights crying in the bathtub with my Disney radio because of my failures and my stupidity. But that's why God created bubble baths, right? But I am saying that leaving those dreams in the dark while you settle for less, well, that's the kind of crap that will leave you drowning in misery on your deathbed. What would've happened if Noah never tried to fight for Allie in the Notebook? He never would've found his one true love, and they would've both died on the same day, alone, and not knowing each other. Instead, they got to beebop out together so that they didn't have to plan the other ones funeral - that's what your kids are for, right? But without following your dreams and facing your fears, you will never fully understand how incredibly strong you are. So don't be afraid to shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land among the beautiful stars:

Shall we start fighting together? 

Enjoy your summer, lovely people. Have a beautiful summer.

Love always,

Haley

"You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace

Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade - it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
Yeah, I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me fall apart
'Cause I've got an elastic heart

I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart

And I will stay up through the night
And let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life."

Elastic Heart - Sia