Got A Feeling That I'm Going Under, But I Know That I'll Make It Out Alive

Hello there lovelies,

As most of you know, I officially became a college graduate in December!

As you can tell, I was super emotional about graduating.
It just broke my heart to pieces. 

If you didn't make your hat Rapunzel themed,
did you even graduate?
No, the answer is no.

And look at all the beautiful people who came to celebrate with me!

This photo still very much reminds me of what people do when taking a photo with a pregnant woman...
Hmm...

I JUST REALIZED THAT WE ARE LIKE THE OLD CINGULAR COMMERCIALS!
"Raising the Bar."

I am still concerned that I was adopted.
Do you guys think we look alike?
THERE'S SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT TELLING ME!

But since that ole faithful and joyous day, I think I can safely say that I have been expressing nothing but frustration and anxiety towards graduating. 

Here's how I expected life after graduation. Much like people plan their weddings and bachelorette parties, I planned my life after surviving college:

Get a good GPA ✔️

Graduate with Honors ✔️

Get a rocking body before walking across the stage - Ima give myself a half of a check on that one

Decorate my cap to show how dedicated I am to Disney ✔️

Make a few new friends before the semester ended  ✔️

Cry only every OTHER night during finals week ✔️

Take a cute photo of me throwing my cap ✔️

Catch a T-shirt at the football game - I ALMOST HAD IT AND A GIRL SNATCHED IT FROM ME

Work on my whole sleeping routine - I have given up on this one

Work on finding myself instead of getting lost in others ✔️

Get a great job

Ahh, the job search. I expected to have a decent job after graduation. One where I would wake up and drink a cup of coffee, throw on a pencil skirt and a pair of black pumps after brushing and teasing my hair. One where my opinions matter, oh, and I get dental and health insurance. And one where I can make enough money to afford more than peanut butter and jelly for each and every meal. Don't get me wrong, I love peanut butter! I actually think my love for it has turned into an obsession. But I also love Taylor Swift, and just because I love her doesn't mean I need to listen to her every minute of my life. If I did that then my love for her would turn into frustration and then I would end up screaming every single time any of her songs would come on the radio...and that just sounds like a horrible way to live, right?

Well lately I have been doing nothing but waking up, drinking my coffee and watching movies on Netflix, officially putting on human clothes after lunch. After searching the world wide web for jobs that don't consist of me asking the question, "would you like fries with that," I go to Crossfit. I don't really have any excuses for missing, right? Then I come home and watch more Netflix, except this time, I bring the party to the tub, muahaa. So after watching a whole season of New Girl and turning pruny, this is the rollercoaster of emotions that usually follow:

 After letting all of my tears wash down the drain, I usually sit on balcony and stare at the stars. I feel so small when I stare at them and I start thinking about what else is out there and if anyone else on the planet is doing the same thing. Ahhh, I feel like I can just stare at them for days and days and days. Actually, I usually forget to blink, so yeah, it gets intense. I feel like the stars have such a wonderful life; they know exactly what they are supposed to do in this world. They often twinkle, and sometimes when one feels extra froggy, it shoots across the sky, granting some sad soul a wish. So essentially, they have the power to change the world. That's all I really want to do - change someones life, and someday maybe even change the world. But here's the catch: none of the places I've applied to will give me the time of day. So lately, my nights have been like this:

I feel like I have so much to offer the world, but when I look back and think about my 4.5 years of school, I don't really know what I took from it all. Is that terrible to say? Yes, I learned APA style and how to correctly format a newspaper article. I learned how twisted Shakespeare was and how he may or may not have been interested in men. I learned the basics of German, just enough to where I could order strawberries and orange juice for breakfast. I learned that Victorian women were essentially property of men, and I learned that "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost may possibly be a depressing poem, which is kind of like a slap in the face because it was read at my high school graduation, BUT IT'S COOL. I learned the ins and outs of communicating through social media, and the importance of truly understanding the english language, even though my teacher for this class was from Taiwan and loved making us all feel like insignificant human beings. I learned that each and every persons idea of creativity is different, and when in a class with 15 other creative writers, it's so easy to compare yourself and think that your work is insignificant. I learned all about the tongue and the role it plays in the way that we speak. I learned that we all are afraid of saying what's on our hearts and putting it out there for the world to see. But most importantly, I learned about myself. I learned that I am quirky and I stick out like a sore thumb when surrounded by others, that I love meeting new people even though it scares me, that I am weird and zany and love/hate sharing the things I write. I learned that I truly can do anything, including talking in front of people, with the help of coffee and pep talks from my friends.

But why does it feel like I'm not prepared for the adult world?

Last night, after 16 hours of applying for jobs and wondering why on God's green earth didn't I earn a degree in nursing or teaching, I sat in my bed and stared at the ceiling, seriously considering selling my body parts on the Black Market. I looked down and saw this Birthday Dictionary book called "365 Birthdays Interpreted." I bought it a year ago before going to see my friend in Auburn. It's all about astrology, which is something that I flip to first in magazines and try so hard to believe in, except Cosmo said I was going to have only THREE sexy days this month. THAT'S FOR THE SLAP IN THE FACE, COSMO. I'LL BE SURE TO STAY HOME THIS MONTH. But the book breaks down your birthday and how that affects your character, life path, and love. Oh, and it tells you about the important people you share your birthday with and something cool that happened on that day, but those really aren't as important. After looking up all of my friends birthdays, I finally flipped back to my own. This, my friends, is why I love these things so so so much:

Character - Strong-willed and individual, you can be argumentative and challenging. You have many different ideas about what you want to do with your life and can travel in many different directions all at the same time, making others feel that you are chasing your tail. You will ever have a conventional life and may have two seemingly opposing interests or jobs.

After reading this, I sat there in silence for about 6 or 7 seconds and then finally stood up on my bed and started doing this:

THIS IS THE BEST PIECE OF PERFECTION THAT I HAVE EVER READ AND EVERYTHING WONDERFUL THAT I DESPERATELY NEEDED TO READ AT THIS DREADFULLY LOW POINT IN MY LIFE!

I'm having such a hard time committing to the conventional ways of life because I am everything but that. I mean, I have dandelions on my bed sheets and mermaids in my head for goodness sake! And I finally realized the other day that I was losing my mind when I started thinking, "maybe I will fall in love soon and get married before next year....yeah, that will make me feel like my life is moving forward." It took me all of two minutes to snap to my senses and finally scream:

Just because you don't perfectly fit the criteria set for you by society, or an employer, doesn't mean that you're worthless or that your 4.5 years spent working your hind parts off so that you could have the words "cum laude" announced when you walked across the stage went to waste. NO. You are an individual. YOU are going to do great things in this world, and YOU have the power to change it all and make it better. I know the world keeps telling you that your degree is essentially worthless these days unless you do something medical, or teaching, or engineering or in law, but guess what? The world still needs people in all other areas. The world still needs us, the people who pick up dandelions on the side of the road and blow them, hoping for a miracle or for a better moment in this hectic life. The people who sit outside for hours hoping and praying that a shooting star will pass by so that we can make a wish and make it all better. The people who are passionate about so many things in life, so passionate that it's hard to put our finger on one thing. The people who get up early and help others and stay out late doing the same thing, just so that someone else's life can be easier. Better. Happier. The world needs all of us. With this struggle I realized how thankful I will be just to have a job in the future, because it's been four years since I've sat in this position, wearing my pajamas all day, wondering if my whole life is a mistake.

During these past few weeks, I've spent a significant amount of time reading books and watching movies. With this, I have actually learned a lot of wonderful things. First that eating popcorn in the bed is a seriously bad idea, and second that while movies are pleasing and allow you to not think for a little while, they also have a lot of nuggets of wisdom to instill in us all. Here are my favorites:

For job searching: "Struggle and strife come before success - even in the dictionary." - Post Grad 

For those moments in life when you're suffering: “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” - Perks of Being a Wallflower

For heartache: "Why is it that we want the ones that don't see us, instead of the ones that do?" -You're Not You

For love: "He looks at me like he's the spoon, and I'm this dish of ice cream." - The Jane Austin Book Club

FOR EVERYTHING (insert whatever is needed in place of writer): "A writer is the sum of his experiences. Go get some." - Stuck in Love

This is your fantastic life. Don't be limited to what people offer you. You may have to get out of your comfort zone, away from your friends and family and really trust that God has a plan for you. He does. The most beautiful things come to those who wait...but in my opinion, it comes to those who fight for it. In the wise words of Nick Miller:

Love always,

Haley

"I thought that I'd been hurt before
But no one's ever left me quite this sore
Your words cut deeper than a knife
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life"

Stitches - Shawn Mendes