You Don’t Feel Pretty, You Just Feel Used; And All The Young Things Line Up To Take Your Place

Hello chit-lins,

A few months ago, I attended Passion in Atlanta, GA. While it was very tiring because we literally walked from 8 o'clock in the morning until about 12:30 that night/ the next morning, it was also full of some amazing experiences...and some not so amazing ones. There were speakers that came and talked to us about God and all of His beauty - they were so fantabulous; literally, that's the only way to describe them all. Usually you would expect speakers to be very boring and dry, but most of them made jokes, probably because they knew that all 60,000 of us had short attention spans, so they would add tid bits of humor and life experiences in the mix of their stories. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed Passion, even when I was standing in the pouring rain trying to find pieces of my glasses. OH WAIT - I haven't even told you that story yet. That, my dear friends, is the "not so amazing" experience. Man oh man...you are in for a real "krispy" treat.

On the very first day, Callie, Devin and I were all "heading towards the dome" in the pouring rain. (Sounds like a Taylor Swift song, doesn't it?) Well, I wear glasses, which don't exactly repel water or have any mini windshield wipers on them, so I took my glasses off to clean them for mine and everyone else's walking safety. After holding them to my face and checking them for smudges and smears, I placed them in their normal location and continued my journey. Before taking more than three steps, I realized my left eye was incredibly blurry. At that exact moment, I realized the lens that is usually in that place was now missing. I hit the ground like Maximus in the movie Tangled, and began searching the premises.

 All I ended up with was a wad of wet hair on my head and scuffed up knees from the grainy concrete. I soon gave up and continued walking to the dome, allowing the anger to build up in my body - I promise I tried and tried to find them, but sixty thousand people were walking directly towards me while I was on the ground. I just knew in the back of my mind that they were all going to crush me to smithereens. After finding the rest of my group in the dome, I sat down and told my friends about my blindness. Testing my vision, I began turning around and reading everything possible. Right below a huge coke sign, which I could actually read thank you very much, I saw a blind guy heading to his seat. He was smiling with every bone and muscle in his body. I literally don't think I've ever seen anyone happier than him, and I have seen plenty of kids in candy stores in my lifetime...including myself. I then realized that maybe, just maybe, my situation wasn't really as bad as I was making it out to be. So what if David Crowder's (for all that knows who I am talking about, spell check wants me to change his last name to Chowders, ahaha)  beard hit his knees in my eyes...and if I sang most of the words wrong to every single song even though they all appeared across a HUMUNGO screen...oh, and that I tripped every single time while going UP the escalator? Sometimes we all have to remind ourselves that matters could truthfully be worse, right...and even those aren't as bad as we see them. I mean, I could've lost both of my lenses and broken all of my limbs in the process...BUT, I didn't. I definitely need to knock on wood now.

David Crowders beard is only that long?
Crap..
My eyes are worse than I thought.

While at Passion, I heard many artists and bands perform Christian music, some of which I knew and others that I didn't. LeCrae, who is a Christian rapper, would give us words of wisdom in-between each song that he performed. One of the quotes that literally tumbled around in my mind for all of eternity was, "If you waste time worrying about what people think of you, well then you are just left with a wasted life." You see what I just did there? I italicized the word "wasted", you know...for dramatic affect. Anyways, I sat there for a moment and marveled at him and those perfect words that he had just released in the air to 60,000 pairs of young ears. All I could think was, "what a waste of a life I have lived so far". I say that and I know you are thinking, "oh my gosh - what a drama queen", but that's not what I mean. All of the twenty, thankyouverymuch, years of my life, I have let peoples thoughts and images of me dictate my, well, everything! In Middle School, which were the worst years of everyone's life, am I right or am I right? Anyways, I let girls trample all over me. Afterwards I would simply get up, dust myself off and apologize for being in the way. I WOULD BE THE ONE TO APOLOGIZE...which reminds me. Ethan, a character from my favorite movie, describes it perfectly. "Rachel, I am not going to hear this 'daddy hits me because he loves me' crap anymore!" That is so dang true, and sadly, it didn't end when I entered high school either. Girls, such as the ones on the cheerleading squad, would always say "oh that Haley is such a sweetheart", and like clockwork, they would tear me down to my toenails just minutes after. People say cheerleading is just a bunch of, excuse my French, skanks trying to get themselves a football player for a boyfriend by showing their pikachus on the sidelines. Do you mind if I told you a little secret? It was never anything like for me. Literally, some of the girls on the squad had a mini one-on-one session with muah to teach me how to 'roll my body'...I was just a shy, little thing. OH, and I was the girl trying to pull down my cheerleading uniform while others had theirs pulled up to their boobies. But during boot camp, excuse me, I meant to say cheerleading camp, approximately 10 minutes into our training, I had a massive black eye and mouth full of blood all because my two other bases saw football players while our flyer was sky-high. Just a little tid-bit for all you high school football players out there - you are every single girls dream in high school. Can you please do me a dang favor and 1) try not to be a man-whore and use your beauty to get with every dadgum girl in the entire world. That is how sweet and innocent girls get turned into bitter skankettes, just FYI...and 2) KEEP YOUR DADGUM SHIRTS ON WHILE PEOPLE ARE PRACTICING. Some of us 'little people' get knocked out because of it. Yes, I am talking to you, retired number 18.

Listen...don't hate...
Just because I said I was a cheerleader didn't mean I was actually GOOD.

At that time, I was all skin and bones because my life only consisted of waking up early in the morning, kissing my sickly father on the cheek before going to dadgum cheerleading bootcamp, then returning back home to be by his side, which would result in me forgetting to eat, aha. Well, as we all know, you need energy to cheer your buns off, right? Right! So I would drink buttloads of Mountain Dew a day, leaving me with this body:




Before...
Yeah, I am from the music video "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne.
Thank you for noticing, but try to keep it a secret.
The paparazzi frighten me.

After...
The definition of a whole lot to love, right?

Please take a hot second to recognize all the similarities between this and the "before" photo.

The first person to name them all will win the grand prize of...

my heart. :)

Of course, college has "encouraged" my body's, uh, growth, but before that one summer filled with endless rivers of Mountain Dew, I had a clavicle bone that could be seen from Mars - I am dead serious. I have had phonecalls from Mars with "life forms" asking me how on Earth (haha, thats punny) I made my clavicle protrude in such a way! Anyways, sorry about that. I got a little bit off topic. OH YEAH - wasting life. People have left footprints on my body and heart, but it's not the cute kind that Leona Lewis sings about. These kinds of footprints left me feeling broken and unworthy. Unworthy of wonderful friends, such as my homegirl, Devin, who also weathered the storm of cheerleading by my side.

These are the two coolest "cheerleaders" you'll ever meet.
WHAM.
You shall feel very blessed for being able to view this photo.

Unworthy of a true and loving boyfriend. Don't tell Mr. Adam, but I still to this day wonder why God has placed him in my crazy life. A relationship I had with a guy many years before left me feeling like I didn't deserve someone who told me I was beautiful when I didn't have makeup on, you know, like everyone's favorite Katy Perry song. Oh, and that I didn't deserve someone who opened the dern car door for me, or someone who held my hand in public without being embarrassed, or someone who called me at night just to hear my voice for a few minutes and NOT to call and break me into a million different pieces. This guy right here, he always reminds me that I can do anything I put my mind too - even being a police officer, right Adam? - as long as I never give up. Now I don't know about you guys, but that's my definition of Prince Charming. Sorry homeboy off of Cinderella. OOH! Actually...we are going to be Rapunzel and Flynn Ryder at Disney in a few years! Totally his idea. ;)

Look at this guy, just look at him!

That cute little smile and those cute little hairs on his head,

I literally think he is as cute as they come.

"All at once, everything looks different - now that I see you."
Speaking of different, Adam...I'm thinking this hairstyle is a no-go for you. :)

Unworthy of a beautiful body. I have this section on Pinterest called "Work Those Muscles". I'm sure every woman in the world who has Pinterest, which is pretty much every woman in the world, has a section like that, too. I add pins to it, such as beautiful women with toned booties, tanned bodies and ripped tummies. I have over a hundred pins on that one board. Ask me how many I have gone back to try any of those little things? Only the ones with really yummy smoothie recipes. HA, I'm only halfway kidding. I have actually tried a few of those workouts...but I always end up frustrated because nothing ever seems to be working...and my dadgum thighs never seem to look like the ones on those lovely ladies. ITS WHATEVER THOUGH! I have learned a few things on this twenty year weight loss journey: 1) The whole "losing weight" thing isn't gonna happen unless you TRULY want it. It is something you are going to have to work with and fight for every single day. 2). Never take weight loss pills/powders/patches. Trust me when I say this...you will end up on the bathroom floor at the Rec Center shaking and dry heaving. It ain't a happy place. And 3). Never EVER go running while wearing shorts - your thighs will rub and it will hurt to wear clothes for the next few days. Actually, just don't ever go running...it's truly a terrible, terrible thing to do. Not for your body...but just in general.

Last semester I was taking a Creative Writing class. While it was quite intimidating with only fourteen other hooligans in my class, it was also one of my absolute favorite classes I had ever taken in Tuscaloosa...other than Self Defense. At the end of the semester, we had to write an 8-10 page paper on something we were obsessed with. Most people chose money, or clothes, or partying...except for me. I chose my body. I titled it "Why Can't That Be Me?" Don't worry, though...it wasn't anything depressing. I talked about when I was kid, thinking that the reason why my fathers hair was brown was because he drank too much coffee, and I actually added hilarious photos of me from cheerleading, such as the third photo I placed on here, and this one, which is my favorite picture in the whole wide world:

I wish my problem was NEEDING to gain weight.
An old friend of mine used to say - "I hate being skinny. It's so annoying."
Oh yeah, man. I totally agree..........

                                                  
Also, I just talked about the worlds horrific view on body images. I just re-read the whole paper, and I must say "DANG, I. AM. GOOD!" We are all victims of this - looking in the mirror and wishing for something else. Guys, you do it with your muscles. Women, you do it with...well, everything! We are taught to always want more even if you did just lose 30 pounds. I question why the world is so messed up...but then I read this:

"Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall butt, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, and the arms of Michelle Obama. The only person close to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling." - Tina Fey

Well, we now know that Kim Kardashian is actually human. Anyways, someday, somehow...we will all get back to the time where a little bit of "extra loving" is still considered beauty...and dessert after dinner is a must. But in the end...every single person on this planet is beautiful. I wake up every single day feeling the exact opposite...but I just have to remember - I'm a whole lot to love, right?

I have a prayer request - I am applying for an internship that involves blog making, writing creatively and well...being myself!!! It could open a few doors for me in the future, which could prevent me from living in a box! That's a good thing, because I don't think my bed would fit in there!

"You had it figured out since you were in school.
Everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool.
So overnight you look like a sixties’ queen."

The Lucky One - Taylor Swift

Forever and Always,

Haley