I'm Everything I Am Because You Loved Me

They were always incredibly busy like this at the hospital :)

Well hello there!

Today is a very special day. 56 years ago, my mother was born; some of you may be surprised by this number. For many years, she has tried to make everyone believe that she was in her thirties...(sorry mom - the secret is officially out). My mother went from being the little pain in my grandma's neck to my little guardian angel in the sky - in between those two time periods are a ton of embarrassing memories that I want to share with you all. On the day of her funeral, I wrote out a few of those memories to share with everyone who came to say goodbye to her. Once I walked in the funeral home and saw her name written on the wall, I looked at my aunt and said, "I can't do this anymore" and handed her my folded up letter. Since today is her birthday, I wanted to share with everyone the words on that folded up piece of paper...plus a few other things. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always been told that I look exactly like my mother; I was also always told by my brothers and sister that I was adopted, so as you can probably guess, it was a very confusing childhood for me. Being stubborn (like my mother), I refused to believe that I looked so similar to her. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I truly realized how similar we looked. I was home in my moms room digging through some of her things when I uncovered a picture of her from when she was a young, innocent little thing. Dusting off the picture frame, I carefully looked at the young lady in the photo. She had platinum blonde hair, as if she had just returned from spring break, and a smile that nearly covered her whole face. Some of her characteristics looked oh so familiar to me, but I couldn't quite place them with another familiar face. As I laid the photo down on the dresser, I looked in the mirror hanging right above it, and suddenly it all hit me like a pile of bricks: it was me. My hands started feeling my mouth and cheeks and all of the similarities. My fingers ran across the mole located on my chin, which was exactly the same place my mother had one. Suddenly, my eyes went straight to my hands - we both had the most awkward, grandpa-looking fingers. The tears began streaming down my face like rain on a window seal. Trying to ease my mind, I walked away from the box of memories for a few minutes, only to hear television come to life in the living room. The show sounded all too familiar, which forced me to run in hopes that the person who used to watch it was sitting there, too.

Can you tell who is who? Choose wisely...

All I could hear was the monotone narrator on Dr. G: Medical Examiner discuss how a young girl had blood covering her brain because of her abusive husband. My mind went back to a few years before; it was a Saturday morning, and I walked out of my room only to see my mother sitting on the couch wearing one of my t-shirts that she had destroyed with bleach, absolutely no makeup, and a random pair of mismatched socks. Removing the rest of the eye crust from my eyes, I noticed she was sitting behind her new laptop, but watching Dr. G perform an autopsy on a young girl. As you can probably guess, I wasn't really feeling breakfast anymore. It was quite obvious that she wasn't planning on doing much but play farmville and watch the rest of that show until Judge Judy came on - this was a normal Saturday for her. When most people think of my mom, they can only picture her in a raspberry uniform stabbing patients with a needle. My mother also had a side to her that many people don’t know about, other than sitting on the couch in her underwear; she was someone who enjoyed being outside visiting with Mother Nature. We have two ponds that dwell beside our house: one had fish, and the other was overflowing with moccasins. She pushed farmville away and decided to go outside and take a look in the pond, because she loved it when the moccasins would rise to the surface and slither on to the plants. I watched her quickly run inside, grab her camera, and take over a hundred pictures of the snake. After she finally finished risking her life for a simple picture, she handed me her camera and walked over to tend to the many rose bushes we had surrounding our house. “When the rose bushes bloom, I feel like Don is among us,” she said with a slight frown as she walked away from the pond. “I can feel his warmth and tenderness radiate from every bush that he touched. I know he still holds on to these beautiful flowers, because God knows they wouldn‘t be as pretty if it were left up to me.”



I don't know about y'all...but this is what I would call "too close for comfort."

 Trailing back from my memory, I decided to take a trip outside for some fresh air. As I walked outside, I saw my mothers blue float drifting around in the pool. My mind went back to the day before I left for college. My mom and I were out swimming - she was laying on that float, and I was treading water trying to work my muscles. She had her ipod playing, and all I could hear was her singing along to every tune. Suddenly, she quit singing and asked me if I was excited to leave. After looking at her, I said, "well, yes and no. I haven't been looking forward to leaving all of this...especially not you, but I know I need to get started on my life. I really want to get us a beach house someday, so I need to make that dough. I am looking forward to coming home and visiting you all the time!" She looked at me stunned, removed the sunglasses from her eyes and said, "Wait - you are going to come and visit me?" Confused by her question, I grabbed on to the side of the pool and said, "Well of course I am, mama? Did you think I was just gonna leave and never come back? Heck no!" She was really quiet, then she looked back at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I am going to miss the heck out of you." Those ten words made my moving out process the hardest thing I had ever done. Th started singing the next song on her ipod, which was "Never Say Never" by the Fray. "Don't let me down, don't let me down..." I didn't have the heart to tell her that she was singing it wrong - I liked her version better anyways. The next day, I finished packing up my car, went and hugged my best friend and her family goodbye, then my sister, mother and I all headed to the great unknown, a.k.a Tuscaloosa. Three and a half hours later, we all walked into my new home: room 216 of Rose Towers. We each looked at each other, wondering how quickly we could turn around. Realizing that wasn't possible, we all started unloading things from my huge cart. While my sister supervised my new roommate, Anna, and Tyler put the DVD shelf together, my mama and I went to my new room and started putting things in their new, small homes. As I looked around, my eyes landed on Megan's dresser where a card was sitting up-right. It read, "You're leaving us? FINE! GO AHEAD AND LEAVE! SEE IF WE CARE!" I could feel my heart pounding harder and my eyes start to swell; I quickly looked at my mother, which was the worst mistake ever - seeing her face made it a whole lot worse. "Mom...can we please go back? I'll do anything, please! I will work at McDonald's for the rest of my life! I...I just want to stay right next to you." She looked at me with the sweetest smile and said, "Haley, you have to be up here. It's going to be great. I will come and visit - it will be just like the good ole times!" I cried even harder because I knew exactly how busy her work schedule was. After my mom and Alysson went back to their hotel room, I wrote them both a card to give them before they left the next morning. Once my mother got home that evening, she quickly sat down and read her card then called me. "Haley," she said as her voice cracked. I hadn't heard her cry since the day my father passed away. "Haley, thank you for the card. Gosh, I miss you so much!" I ran to my bed and started crying. All I could think about was her sitting in that big ole house with those five wild yorkies...alone. I talked to her until her voice stopped cracking. If I would've known what the next few weeks had in store for me...I would have stayed on that phone forever.

 Monday, September 12, 2011 started off as just another day. I woke up that morning, forcing my body out of the bed and tried to remember why on earth I signed up for an 8 am class. After I finally left my Intro to Listening class, I called my mom to see how she slept the night before - I couldn't help it...I am a mamas girl. As I walked my tired body all the way to Tutwiler for "math", I talked to her about how I was planning on being a good student this week and finishing all of my math hours early. "Awww, Haley! I am so proud of you! I really wish you could rub off on my other child up there! I bet his happy tail is still asleep!" Laughing at her, I reminded her how it was only nine in the morning. She cut me off to tell me all of the things that she had already done, and all the things she wanted to do today since she had the whole day off. Her voice sounded so worn out, so I finished our conversation by telling her to take it easy today and call me after she woke up from her nap. "I love you, Haley." After I heard the dial tone, I said, "I love you two, mama! You and grandma really aren't good at the whole 'lets say goodbye before hanging up' thing." I hung my phone up and walked inside to the dreadful math lab. As the day continued to pass, things kept hitting me left and right until I couldn't seem to stand anymore. On facebook, I started chatting with my friend on her wall and we were discussing the details about my horrid day. A few hours later, my phone lit up indicating that I had a missed call and a voicemail, both from my mother. "Hey Haley. Gimme a call - I saw on facebook where you've had the most horrible day. I just want to know whats going on. Talk to you later!" As soon as the message ended, I called her back, remembering how she was most likely going to be heading to bed soon - she woke up every morning at 4:45...yes , that's A.M. She answered with a very soft voice, asking me if I was okay. "Hey mama. I am fine. I just had a rough day - plus, I have been having this awful pain in my back. Ugh, I can't take a long, hot shower. The water here turns cold before I can get to the chorus of any Taylor Swift song." She laughed at me, then said, "I was wondering how the water was treating you up there. You go from taking thirty-minute showers to three minute showers. Aha - what I would do to see that." I laughed, then I suddenly remembered how I needed to remind her about the football ticket my roommates parents had for her for that next weekend. The excitement rushed through her voice as she searched for her work schedule scattered about on the couch she was sitting in. "Oh, Haley...I have to work that weekend. I am so sorry." "Maybe next time, mama," is what I responded, hoping that she wasn't too bummed out. "Yes - next time for sure. I guess I am going to lay down since I have work in the morning. Haley, will you please call me in the morning on your way to Biology? I would really like to hear if you are feeling any better." Hearing those words made my heart melt. "Of course, mama! I can't wait! I love you so much. I will talk to you in the morning, okay? Get some rest - I love and miss you!" "I love and miss you too, Haley." An hour later, I decided I needed to take a shower. Mid-rinse, my roommate Anna busted in to tell me that I needed to call my brother. "What? Anna - why? I have soap in my eyeballs." "Haley, just please get out now and call him." I quickly washed my sweet-pea scrub off and reached for my towel, realizing my phone had multiple missed calls from my brother. As I tried calling him back, all that I could get was his voicemail. I began to worry: "Did Tyler get in a wreck? Oh my gosh...he is wanting to use my car now, isn't he?" Finally, Tyler called me back and told me to come to his apartment quickly. "What? Tyler...I just got out of the shower. Can you please tell me whats wrong? Are you hurt?" "Haley, please just come - I am not hurt." I couldn't tell if I was happy or upset about knowing he was okay - that just means there is something else lingering out there, just waiting for me to figure it out. I looked into my roommates room to find the other three girls sitting on the two beds; their faces were an off-white color. Without having the time to ask, I ran to my room and put on my sweats, an Alabama t-shirt, and grabbed a random hair brush. As I sat on the ground trying to shove my foot into my tennis shoes, my whole body started to go numb. In a panic, I grabbed my purse and glasses and ran for the door. Before I could shut it, Maggie's head peeped out as she said, "Haley - I love you. You know that we are always here for you, right?" I nodded and ran down the stairs...thinking I would be back in thirty minutes, maximum.

Once I finally made it to the Retreat, I slowly got out of my car just as Tyler was locking his apartment door. My two legs somehow found the strength to walk over to him and say, "what's wrong?" He looked at me and suddenly my whole body started to shake. "Mom had a minor heart attack. It's fine, but we need to go to Dothan." As the tears started rushing down my face, I lost control over every single muscle in my body. Tyler forcefully helped me in the passenger seat before he rushed to get gas and start the almost four hour trip to Dothan, Alabama. Halfway there, my brother recieved a phone call from my other brother, Justin. Like always, they were exchanging information about my mother and thought I was too young to hear. As Tyler hung up the phone, I saw him pray...and drive, all at the same time. He then looked at me and said, "Haley, sometimes you are going to be told things you don't want to hear. Right now, you really just need to pray."

As we drove down the bare roads, I saw a building to our left with words that read "Flowers Hospital". After turning in and finding a parking spot, my brother and I quickly got out of my car, running inside to try and find Alysson. She was standing with a lady that worked with my mother and some man who was wearing a blue button down shirt and khaki pants. He directed us to follow him, then quickly turned around and asked, "Do any of y'all have any questions?" I couldn't find the words to say...but I can promise you I had at least 15,000 things I needed to ask him. He placed us in a room known as the chapel and waved goodbye as he shut the door. I looked around and thought to myself, "Do you think they would notice if I walked back there to find my mother? I am sure she is scared - she is alone with a ton of doctors." Everyone was sitting in the room quiet, as if we were all meeting each other for the first time. Trying to lighten the mood, I looked at my sister and said, "well, I guess we aren't finding our husbands tonight, Alysson." She smiled, then looked down at the hospital phone that was plugged into wall as it began to ring. After chatting with the character on the other end, she hung up and told us all that they were going to begin surgery and that it was going to last four or more hours. I looked around and wondered why no one was asking any questions, then quickly asked, "four hours? Did they tell you what on Earth they are going to do? Oh, let me guess...you all know the big secret and are keeping it from me?" They all looked at each other, then pretended as if they didn't hear me. "That's fine, you guys...I can promise that I am not sharing my blanket with any of y'all." Hours passed and finally the creepy phone rang again. The same person was informing us that the doctor was finished with surgery and that he would be there to talk to us very soon. Once my Aunt Patty walked in, so did the doctor. He was a very old man who looked like he hadn't had a happy meal in over 100 years. He slowly sat down, crossed his legs, then gave us her complete diagnosis in full detail. "Your mother had an aortic aneurysm. We replaced the vein that split open with a pig valve...." I can't remember anything else he said after those two lines, because I grew queezy towards the beginning of his detailed speech. His voice sounded optimistic, as if everything was peaches and cornbread. As he left, I called my best friend for a little moral support, and to let her know that I thought mama was going to be okay. The hallway was an open area that looked out over plants and the parking lot. As I talked to her on the phone, I started counting all of the empty parking spots, remembering how exciting it was to find one of those close to my dorm room. Suddenly, a voice came over the intercom saying, "Code blue. Code blue." I looked around, not able to focus on what my friend was saying, and saw my mothers co-workers begin to cry hysterically. One of the ladies rushed down to me, her face redder than my great aunts cherry pie on Thanksgiving. Before she could make it to me, I looked her in the eyes and cried, "That's my mother isn't it?" She nodded as she began to hug me, and I lost complete grip on my sisters phone as it rushed to the ground. Five minutes later, we got the all clear stating that she was back and breathing. I put my sisters cracked phone back together, then walked down to where my family was waiting. The chapel was full of my mothers friends who were all crying, making me feel incredibly nervous. Turning away from the door, I prepared myself to run, and suddenly saw one of my best friends, Shelby Strong, getting out of her sisters vehicle. Basically breaking the elevator, I quickly ran down to give her a huge hug. As we walked back up to the chapel, the same doctor was sitting in there, along with a blonde-headed guy who really needed a hair cut. He was telling the rest of my family how they were unsure about how well her brain was functioning considering what it had gone through so far, but allowed us to go back and see her. After my brothers and aunt went, my sister and I walked through the double doors with our arms linked together for support. Behind the curtains, my mother laid there connected to at least 20 machines. I couldn't even recognize her beautiful face...or our identical cheeks. I grabbed her hand and said, "I need you to fight, mom! I need you in my life! I love you so much, mama! Remember - I believe in you! The nurse behind the desk directed us out of the ICU so the rest of our large group could have a turn seeing her. Once I exited the large doors, I saw my two other best friends, Devin Williamson and Callie-Marie Crigger, along with each of their families. After giving them all massive hugs, they said that they wanted to go back and see my mother. Once they returned, my mother coded two more times. While standing there, Mrs. Brenda and Mrs. Angelia Fink, along with many others, came up to say goodbye, because they all still had work in the morning. "Haley, we love you all so very much. You better let your mother know that she better get to feeling better soon. We are still taking our trip to the mountains in a few weeks." As they walked to the elevators, I watched their sweet faces disappear behind the doors. Justin had finally made it just as the same guy with long blonde hair directed all of the family members into chapel. "You guys have a decision to make. If Mrs. Moody codes again, you have two options: to let her go or to keep trying to bring her back." I couldn't believe the words coming out of his crazy mouth. As he walked out the door, I sat there trying to fully grasp what he was saying. I looked at all of my family as they sat in silence, then I decided it was my time to speak my thoughts. "I personally think we should keep trying. I am not ready to give up on her." My mothers life depended on the next few words that came out of their mouths. Thankfully, they all agreed, and we told Mr. Long Blonde Hair what we decided on. Suddenly, the same voice came over the intercom. "Code blue. Code blue." My sister looked at me...her eyes started watering. I grabbed her hand for the next twenty minutes until the unhappy doctor came and asked the family to come in the chapel. As he shut the door, the only thing my eyes could focus on was Mr. Williamsons' face on the other side of the window. I couldn't help but to smile - he always fills my heart with joy, like a father would. That smile was quickly wiped from my face when the doctor said in a very dry voice, " I am sorry to inform you all, but Angela Moody has passed away." My ears shut off and my heart shattered after hearing those words. I closed my eyes and pretended I was anywhere but in that terrible room. Once I opened them, I saw the rest of my small family crying. Trying my hardest to comfort each of them, I decided it was my turn to be the strong one. In the midst of our tears, I suddenly heard a chipper lady come in the room saying, "Hey y'all!" I looked at this lady as if she were two scoops of crazy. She was the nurse that was going to lead us back to our mother to say our last goodbye. It took everything I had not to tell this lady what was up. All of those thoughts went away once she opened the curtain to uncover my mother, who was unattached to her twenty machines. Grabbing onto her lifeless hand, I told her how much I loved her until the happy nurse came back to get only me, because the rest of my family had already finished saying their final words. I couldn't find the perfect words to leave her with. As I passed the nurses station, I heard the lyrics , "Lord, make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors." After hearing those words, I turned around and blew one last kiss to the most amazing woman in my life, then forced myself to walk out the double doors without letting her see me cry.

Are you all ready for the big surprise? I know, I know! Me too, but I need to tell you all a few background things before I tell you the exciting part. Since today is my mothers birthday, I have a really special, and pretty scary present in her honor. I got this idea a few days ago; I was looking at my hands and noticed how blue they were. My mind trailed back to my junior year in high school when my mom and I took a trip down to Pensacola to the Sacred Heart hospital to get my hands checked because a few teachers were scared of how they kept changing colors. After waiting in the doctors office forever, he finally sent us to the lab, making me think that I only had to "pee in a cup"...boy, I was wrong. Once the nurse indicated that she was ready, she quickly sat me down in a huge chair, literally strapped my happy tail in, then pulled out eight tubes and a huge needle. My hands tightened, and like a four year old, I looked for my mother to find comfort. My eyes finally found her in the corner of the room laughing harder than I had ever seen. Suddenly, the nurse man-handled my arm and started sucking the life out of me...one tube at a time. Once she was finished, she unstrapped me and I slowly stumbled down the four flights of stairs and into the 98 degree weather, hyperventilating. My mother trailed behind me because she couldn't walk straight and laugh at the same time. Once we got in the car, I looked at my mother with a face greener than the giant guy on the side of the can of peas and said, "I am pretty sure I just gave up enough of my blood to where it could count as a donation, don't you think?" She smiled at me. Then my mind suddenly went to September 13, sitting in the waiting room at Flowers Hospital in Dothan, Alabama. That unhappy doctor came in the chapel numerous times to update us all on how my mother was doing. Every single time he entered the door, he would say over and over again how much blood they were having to replace because of the surgeries. The other day I was walking across the quad and a guy came up and asked me to donate blood. Trying to keep my balance after imagining myself give blood, I looked at him and said, "yeah - of course I will donate my blood," then completely walked around the indicated area, pretending to be on my phone. Suddenly, it hit me - all that blood that kept my mom alive, that all came from people who faced their fears to save lives. I know may not be able to repay those people for their generous donation, but in my mothers honor, I will face my fear, and donate in hopes that my blood will save someone truly precious on this Earth. Wshooo....I love you, mother dearest.

My mother at her finest

"Don't forget how lucky we are to be alive. Take advantage of every day. There might not be a tomorrow." 

-John O'Callaghan

Here's to finals week. Good luck everyone - I have faith in you all! GO BIG OR GO HOME!

Love Always,

Haley

"You were always there for me,
The tender wind that carried me.
A light in the dark shining your love into my life.
You've been my inspiration.
Through the lies you were the truth.
My world is a better place because of you."

Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion

In Sickness And In Health

Hello there,


A few weekends ago, I traveled along the back roads down to good ole Andalusia to attend a friends wedding. While sitting at her beautiful ceremony, I realized that I needed to start planning my wedding like...yesterday. At night when Shelby was asleep, I would turn the channel to Say Yes to the Dress and watch it until the really feminine guy starting looking like an actual female. During the commercials, I couldn't refrain from jumping up and down - I felt like Rachel McAdams in the movie Time Travelers Wife. The jumping suddenly stopped when Shelbys dad pounded on the door, which made my heart completely stop. As I fell to the ground, my mind suddenly remembered the terrible thing that had happened at the wedding reception earlier that day. I know, I know - "Haley, why are you all about leaving everyone in suspense?" Patience is a virtue, my dear, sweet, precious friend. Take a deep breath...here goes everything I can remember. ;)

Most people get drunk at weddings. Maggie and I?
We run off to the bathroom to take beautiful pictures of ourselves!
A pictures worth a thousand words...

"Hmmm...
I wonder if I could climb that tree in this dress." 

My sister and my bridesmaids finished pinning my veil to my head and fluffing my dress, which led them all to start screeching with excitement. Little did they know, I was a nervous wreck. The air consisted of hairspray and perfume, leaving me "breathless". After they finished putting their shoes on, they quickly exited the room allowing me to have some unwanted alone time. All I could do was worry about everything, which resulted in me walking around, flapping my arms like a chicken so that I wouldn't get sweat stains on my dress. I heard a familiar voice in the distance as I quickly pretended like I had been practicing my "farewell" wave for when my groom and I left for our surprise honeymoon. My sister snuck back in, after getting my bridesmaids to their designated area, just to make sure I was still breathing and to supposedly "check" my lipstick. Then, she took a deep breath and said, "You look absolutely beautiful, Haley. Now, make sure you don't trip because, well...we all know how clumsy you are...plus, I won't have a camera in my bouquet to take a picture of that perfect scene. That would eat me up on the inside until the day that I die if I missed capturing that moment." She finally recognized that my eyebrow was raised and said, "HA - I'm only teasing...but, I do want you to know that I am so happy for you. I know two important people couldn't make it today, but just know that they are here in spirit. Trust me...they wouldn't miss their baby girl getting married for the world." I looked at Alysson as tears swelled up in my eyes and said, "I love you, Alyie-boo. Crap - my mascara!" We started laughing, then she walked to grab something and said, "Haley - don't you dare do it! You can't be a bride with raccoon eyes." After patting under my eyes with a tissue, we both took a deep breath, then she walked out to go make sure the other bridesmaids hadn't started "celebrating" with the groomsmen yet. A spirited lady came in and announced, "The show starts in five minutes!" I gave her two big "thumbs up" symbols so she would skedaddle, then I slowly walked over to the window and looked at the sky. There were two clouds lurking around up there, and all I could see were my parents' faces. I blew them a quick kiss, leaving my spiced wine lipstick color on the windowpane. The same lady came back in dancing while telling me it was time. I looked at her while picking up my dress so I could make it to her without face planting and said, "great choice of words, haha." Before shutting the door on my old life, I took in one last deep breath and looked around, making sure nothing dropped off my body while I was pretending to be a bird. Throughout the beautiful building, I could hear my favorite piano piece, Pachelbel Cannon in D, filling up every empty space around me as I nervously walked to my final destination before the "big show" started. With every step that I took, my heart felt weaker and weaker. As I walked up the mountain of steps, the front doors slowly opened as if I were Rose from the movie Titanic in the scene where she entered the ballroom like she was floating with perfection. My heart suddenly began to do a dance in my chest, just not as graceful as I wanted. It was almost as if it were a stripper trying to jump out of a huge, white cake. I quickly began to shake, blindly trying to find something to grab onto before I really did hit the ground like Alysson was hoping for. Right when my knees felt like jelly, two arms gently linked with mine and lifted me right back onto my feet. As I quickly glanced to each of my sides, I saw my two brothers, smiling and ready to escort me at my time of need. Before we started the long haul to the end of the isle, Tyler looked at me and said, "Haley, you look wonderful. Oh, and just remember - if he hurts you...he's dead. Actually, he's pretty lucky to be alive right now...make sure he remembers that." He started mumbling under his breath the lyrics of "Cleaning this Gun" by Rodney Atkins, then checked his hair in the huge window beside the door we were about to enter. As I started to laugh, Justin quickly chimed in and said words that I will never forget. "Yeah, he's a really lucky guy, Haley. We are all so proud of the person you turned out to be - even mom and dad are more than proud of you. You went out and chased your dreams...now, it's time for you to enjoy life, oh, and to finally sleep at night...seriously." I smiled at him and slowly responded, "Thank you, Justin. Thank you both for being here." I squeezed their arms tighter then continued, "I love you two with all of my heart. But can y'all just do me one, tiny favor?" They both looked at me with an adventurous look, as if I were about to say "lets blow this Popsicle stand!" Instead, I took a breath and said, "please...just don't let me fall." They both looked at me and said in harmony, "never." After I successfully won the battle with my tears, we each took a long breath as the second set of doors were opened. My legs started to tremble when the two ushers opened the door, unveiling something similar to Paris in springtime; there were white peonies and orchids embellishing every pew. Also, white lights were perfectly strung, making everything glisten with joy. I tried to breathe it all in; it was just all too perfect - too amazing and beautiful. The organ suddenly started playing the same song that every girl has dreamt of hearing since their 12th birthday. My heart starts to flutter as Justin and Tyler gently, but forcefully, drag me down the isle. "One step, two step, keep smiling.." was continuously flowing through my head, reminding me of the wedding video I watched a week prior to this day. As I walked down the petal covered isle, all eyes were on me, but I couldn't stop staring at the fella in the penguin suit who was anxiously waiting to take my hand and my heart - thankfully, he hadn't ran off yet. In a matter of seconds, his eyes went from being elated to being completely startled. I began walking slower with each gasp I heard...noticing that everyone wasn't gasping because of the fact that I was a hot mama. I kept asking myself, "what is happening...?" Looking up to find my better half, I found him rushing down the mile-long isle trying to be with me. My two towers of support held on tight as my world started shaking. I looked over at Tyler and said, "Tyler...something's not right."

"Haley!...Haley!? What the crap are you doing? C'mon! They just put the food out, and I am so hungry I could eat a horse," screamed Maggie as she nudged me out of my daydream. "What? Oh...I am not really that hungry anymore...thank you though," was my startled response. She started looking me up and down, then asked me, "Haley...are you trying out anorexia? Trust me - it's not a good look. You haven't eaten since lunch yesterday. It's 5:37 in the freaking afternoon. Don't be stupid!" She grabbed my arm, directing me to the long table of food. After looking around, I put two items on my plate just to calm her down, then I walked back to our table. As we both sat down, the announcer started saying something about the bride and her father. Before I could grasp the words he was speaking, Tim McGraw's voice started filling my ears with "gotta hold on easy as I let you go. Gonna tell you how much I love you, though you think you already know." My eyes quickly found the dance floor where the bride was dancing and laughing with her father. As he spun her around like a princess, my mind started thinking about my dad, and I begin to imagine it was us two dancing our last dance together. Before I could get far into that thought, tears started to swell in my eyes and Maggie nudged me on my arm saying, "Haley...I've been meaning to ask you something. So, um...can I wear a tux to your wedding and dance with you during this particular moment? Tim McGraw, head on my shoulder and everything!" Busting out in laughter, I looked at her and said, "of course, Margo." She grabbed my hand while my eyes crept back to the dance floor where they were finishing out their final dance. "Go on, take on this whole world. But to me you know you'll always be, my little girl". When the song ended, they slowly let go, and her father leaned in and whispered, "I love you, princess." After clapping for them, I couldn't stop smiling, thinking about what Maggie was going to whisper in my ear after our final dance together - she is a handful. ;)

Can you say, Snow Beast?

"And you hold me in your arms

And all that I can see

Is my future in your hands

And all that I can feel

Is how long ever after is

It's all that I can do

To be with you, just to be with you."

Wedding Dress - Matt Nathanson

As a result, the one important thing I got out of that whole wedding weekend is, ALWAYS have your wedding indoors. ;) I hope you all have a wonderful hump day! I just a little dance realizing that there is only TWO MORE DAYS until the weekend. :) - Yeah, the people that I am working with right now are wondering if I drank coffee again today, wshoo. Please remember: be safe, never sorry - life is full of mistakes, so don't ever be sorry for living yours to its fullest. Yes - that means go skydiving right now. :)

Love always,

Haley



"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself...Aloud."
- Coco Chanel

I'm Running With Wolves And I'm On The Prowl

    

Hey there, beach bums!

As some peoples spring breaks are finally beginning, others, like mine, have sadly been over. Let me tell you what...this spring break was quite different compared to the years prior. I didn't go the beach like my skin desperately begged me to do...but I did do something way better - dream. Oh boy...look at you drooling over there with curiosity.  Hold on tight; we will eventually get there.

For the first few days, I slaved away at my house trying to clean it and figure out what all I wanted to keep. If you just pictured me looking like Cinderella, then you have the right idea. If you didn't, I gave you a little help with that image at the end of this paragraph. Anyways, the final date for me to take the last few steps in my house is slowly creeping up, in which a new family will take it over and make it their new home. Before they were going to have the opportunity to do that, I FINALLY had to fully clean out my four closets, which were completely slam-packed with my clothes. I am sure you guys are probably asking yourselves, "Haley - how did you possibly manage to fill FOUR closets with only YOUR clothes?" It's quite simple, really. When my mother and sister ordered me to go through my closet, I would just take a few things out and hide them in my brothers closet. Then, I would use the fact that I had just cleaned out my closet as an excuse for buying new clothes...then vuah-la, I had four closets! I did take the time this go around to look through the clothes before chunking them in a box to be sent to the Christian Service Center. Within my abundance of t-shirts, I uncovered cheerleading shirts from Middle school, which were all a blasted youth size - yes, I even tried to put them on my body. Lets just say that they didn't work. I basically looked like an over-sized child - not cute. But, I still secretly kept a few things because they were precious memories and I really want to make some kind of...I don't know...art thingy out of them! Yes..I am still attending my weekly meetings at Hoarders Anonymous! Besides, my name was plastered on the back of some of these shirts. It was obvious that I had to at least keep those shirts...and then some. ;)Shhh...don't tell anyone.



Actual picture from Saturday - yes, that is seriously my skin color.

The Tuesday when my family left is when the real party started. Okay...it wasn't necessarily a "party", but I was finally able to begin my relaxation process. After wishing them all safe travels and waving them off, I walked into my house, triple locking every door, put on my jammies and face mask, then laid on the couch and read every magazine that I could reach without having to get up. I flipped through the pages, closed the magazine, grabbed another one - it was an endless cycle, until I uncovered my newest Seventeen Magazine with Lily Collins plastered across the front. You may be thinking, "who the crap is she?" Don't worry - that's not the point. After flipping through the magazine, I randomly landed on page 90 and was unable to find the muscle strength in my arms to continue flipping the page - I figured that it was just meant to be. I quickly found out that it was a checklist that was basically supposed to help you figure out why you are still single. Depending on the color of the boxes you checked, there were corresponding paragraphs at the end of the page describing in full detail what the heck was wrong with you. With a smile on my face and a red ink pen, I began to work my magic. Once I finished with the "quiz", I couldn't help but notice all of the red marks - it looked as if someone had been murdered on top of this particular magazine page. I quickly checked my pen to see if it had exploded without me knowing...unfortunately, it hadn't. I began by analyzing all the red check marks that I had made, and suddenly I stopped and noticed one particular answer choice that was marked. It read, "you're convinced that all guys break hearts, lie, cheat, ect." I slowly looked up at my reflection in the window next to my front door (also realizing I still had my cucumber face mask on) and thought to myself, "Have you really already became a bitter old woman? You've been 19 for barely a month!" I even started checking my face for wrinkles and liver spots. At that particular moment, I threw the magazine down and realized it was time for a change in my little ole life. I stood up and walked over to the photo albums placed on my empty bookshelf. Like a little kid with absolutely no arm strength, I slowly slid each of them off the shelf and pushed their heavy covers open, unveiling two young adults standing around beautiful, pink flowers and smiling like they didn't have a problem, or a child, in the world. My eyes started to form a glaze as I continued scanning the other pages with photos. There were some of them hugging on each other as if they didn't care who was watching them, and others of them acting like they were merely teenagers, just recently finding their place in this massive world. I pushed the photo album away from my body, then proceeded to lay on it as if it were a pillow. After closing my eyes, my mind began to drift off to a perfect fairytale world.

This was a perfect, sunny day. The wind was at a slight breeze and the sky was doing that whole "I am going to be pink and exotic" thing. I decided to take a drive down the street with the car windows down, allowing my hair to fully embrace a new "wind-blown" look. The radio was playing the perfect songs, so I decided I needed to turn it up and allow everyone the same enjoyment that I was feeling. My eyes traveled to the side of the road where a guy was power walking down the road with a muscle shirt and basketball shorts on. Liz Phair was practically screaming my name in her song when she sang the lyrics, "walking down the street and I hardly know you...it's just like were meant to be." My first thought was, "please don't tell me that Taylor Lautner is in town and I didn't get the Facebook invite." After glancing at his face, clearly forgetting about the road, I suddenly realized that I knew him. Not thinking twice, I quickly screamed his name from my car window and waved once he discovered where the screeching voice was coming from. Before I could turn left on the next available street, my phone suddenly lit up with his name appearing across the screen. The message read, "Haley...wow, it's been a while since I have seen your face. How have you been?" I involuntarily started to giggle like a middle school girl who had just talked to an older guy for the very first time. Our texting conversation continued until I arrived at my house, a.k.a the Dead Zone. After I took a shower, I started looking at my eye bags in the mirror, then it hit me that I didn't have any tooth paste, or a toothbrush, for that matter. I quickly grabbed my purse and decided to take one of my daily trips to Wal-Mart. Once I arrived and locked my car door, the glare in the window reminded me that I didn't have any sort of makeup on, so I took cover and quickly rushed through the store...only to run into Mr. Wonderful. He was leaning against the electronics counter, like he was a beautiful movie star, with one of his guy friends staring at the row of phones. After looking at me, then looking away, then quickly looking back at me again with a cute grin, he started to walk towards me. I looked left and right then thought seriously about hiding in the Cinderella costume that was hanging over my head. I realized it was too late when I heard a voice say, "I didn't think I would see you here. Aha, well, don't you look adorable." My face was almost as red as the Colgate toothpaste box in my left hand because of that comment. We started discussing our lives until he asked me what my plans were for the evening. Two hours later, we were at my house, relaxing on the couch while discussing things in our life that had happened in the past ten months. He looked at me with his cute smile and said, "you...you are so adorable when you look over your glasses." I paused before saying, "how is that cute? I look like a grandma!" He laughed and then said, "just trust me...it's really cute." After a moment of silence, he scooted closer and pretended as if he was going to kiss me, so I looked down pretending to look all mysterious - boy, was I wrong. Suddenly, I felt his fingers trickle up my sides leading me to squeal like a newborn baby. I quickly found the strength in my arms and began to tickle him back, leading us both into a rolling laughter. After we gathered ourselves, I looked up and saw him just staring at me - no, not like Edward in Twilight, like a guy who saw something more than just an ordinary girl. Once again, I began to giggle like a middle schooler (it's a nerves thing). He quickly changed the conversation and asked me about school and what I was planning on doing with my life. I took a deep breath and said, "well, I wanted to be a Dentist...but, I really don't like biology, but...okay, don't judge me...I love to write! I..I stay up at night just writing. Just writing, writing, writing. Then I will look at the clock and notice it is like 3 a.m. I just...I don't really know what to do!" He stared at me, jaw dropped and drooling, then gathered enough words to finally say, "wow...you are like the dad-gum energizer bunny! Plus...I think that you would be an amazing writer, Haley." My eyes began to swell with tears, so I looked down at my hands pretending to remove a serious hang nail. He then started telling me about his future plans. I was so locked into the conversation that I completely forgot that I had absolutely no makeup on. He saw the time displayed on my phone and realized that his day was going to start in a few hours, so I walked with him out to his vehicle. He looked at me with that same smile and gently grabbed my face - my heart literally dropped. He looked in my eyes and suddenly said, "I have been wanting to do this all night" then softly kissed me on the lips before getting in his truck. As he cranked up his vehicle, he asked "am I going to see you again, Haley?" I smiled and he began to back out after saying, "I can't wait until then." The strangest thing happened as I watched his tail lights got lost in the fog: It hurt to watch him go. I quickly walked inside so the zombies wouldn't get me, then triple-locked every door behind me. After brushing my teeth and doing my nightly dance, I slid between my sheets and held onto one of my pillows so I wouldn't float away.
Suddenly, the sound of a text message brought me back from this perfect world in enough time to realize that my face was plastered to the the photo album page that I had laid down on. All I could think about was how I wish that world was reality. Distraught, I tried to open the text message on my phone. After squinting my eyes, I saw that the text messaged said, "hey sweetheart - I've been thinking about you all day." Everything cleared up really quickly. :) Maybe dreams really do come true.

Pray for her - she had to deal with me every single night during spring break. Lets just say, I didn't sleep much :)

I hope you all have a happy and wonderful weekend. Remember: "A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true." I know, good right? I came up with that all by myself...and with the help of Cinderella!

Love always,

Haley

"He's got his mother's eyes,
his father's ambition.
I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him.
I hang on every word you say."
Superman - Taylor Swift